The Back of Beyond

2011-09-15T02:03:00.001-04:00

Adam & Eve

2011-02-18T23:20:00.001-05:00

The story of Adam & Eve became devastatingly clear tonight. Living means coming out marred no matter what. Dionysian...Apollonian it doesn't matter the approach. NO ONE gets out unsullied by life.

Maybe some day I'll find peace in that, but not tonight. Tonight I sit on a cold bench getting circled by law enforcement, because the goddamned pedal on my bike fell off mile 3 into a long night of the soul.

This is NY

2011-02-18T17:06:00.001-05:00

Floating Darkness

2011-01-24T00:32:00.001-05:00

Um a million years ago.

2010-07-17T00:36:00.001-04:00

GeoTagged, [N40.74293, E73.99256]

New World Black

2010-07-17T00:34:00.001-04:00

GeoTagged, [N40.74293, E73.99256]

It's summer in Sin City. So far, so bananas! My 30's are going to be very interesting. My mojo is definately back.

I've slept with three women in the last 2 months. Not since college have I been this prolific. I think this new found success is two parts horny, and one part total honesty with myself about who I'm hot for. I totally am hot for plump women. Myself included.

And of course three women into this, I meet a dreamy little creature that has absolutely got me twitterpated. With one well timed kiss, she managed to blow up the 30 day rule, but big! Her goddamn lips are so soft. A dizzying opiate to be sure. Our chemistry has been out of control from the jump. I met her at a friend's birthday dinner. And if the truth be told, they've only just begun their friendship. I feel like it's fated. And then again...it's me we are talking about.

That's all well and good after a heroic night and morning of fucking, but there are significant stumbling blocks. Namely, a recent break up with a dude. And most alarmingly, her closet case status with friends and family. She's deceptively freaky pagan bisexual and only a select few have been privy to that part of her life. I'm way too gay for all that. The sex is good enough that emotions could totally begin to stir. Who are we kidding they always do, but I guess what I am saying is that despite the obvious love potential I'm not obtuse enough to think that these stumbling blocks are insurmountable. I could do alright with just the physical. I'd just have to be precise in the emotional realm.

Alright off to a party. Had a fun day today, and I absolutely needed it. Work has been nuts. More on that later.

Oh and did I mention that she's in Haiti for four mother fucking weeks? Looks like the 30 day rule is back in place! Ha!

Pfft

2010-05-12T21:55:00.002-04:00

I didn't get into grad school. I found out after a beautiful drunken evening out, a month or so ago. Who doesn't love squealing coquettishly at the wondering hands of a frisky cougar? I had been chomping at the bit for a month, stalking the mailbox. The not knowing was tortuous. The quiet plunging truth was murderous. It felt great to be so focused, thinking, and writing, but I was still grasping in the dark. Grad School felt like what was supposed to be next. My heart wasn't exactly in it. This time on purpose. I wasn't really passionate about my ideas in my statement of purpose. I over thought everything. Where I have,had the most success, I didn't think about anything. I was just doing my thing. My thing works. What ever is next my thing will have to be big time because that is where I am at in my life.

The only thing I need to work on is losing weight. And that's been kind of a cool process. Like this calorie thing is full on. And I get it. Addition. Subtraction. Blah blah blah. It is astounding how quickly you can get to 2000 calories, let alone 5000 or more. Christ on the cross! The last thing I had for tonight was a Snickers Almond, all the time thinking to myself...Dude. I just went over my caloric intake today by 60 calories. Those calories become precious. You don't want to waste them on horseshit.

I'm also running. I was running Fall 09, but then the winter came and I caught a pretty wicked shin splint. I laid off big time, and put on more way than I care to admit. I mean most days, it's hilarious. Other days I'm dumbfounded. But I see what's gone down over the last 13 years. I used to workout 6 days a week up until the end of high school. I got to college and put the kaibash on all that shit, but kept eating. I mean I was active but not no 6 days a week shit. Frankly, I felt free in college. I found working out awful and trying. No mental toughness what so ever. Anyway, college and post college have all been about sex,drugs, rock n roll, booze, and food. These there's not enough sex, too much booze, too much food, and too much weed.

Do you know how much money I blow on weed?! The booze...meh...it's a lubricant. I was thirsty once. Not so much now. The food...I eat a lot of...whenever. I'm working on all that shit. Mostly the food and sex thing. I mean, I would like to get laid by someone other than the occasional ex lover. Do you realize that I have had no new lovers since SideShow Bob? All the action I have gotten as of late has been with an ex lover. See recent posts, and my life in the last few weeks! I need to rectify that. Pero con quien?! Y cuando?

Talk about a long story. I haven't got it in me.

Update...for reals.

2010-04-06T15:11:00.002-04:00

First let me say that that AP ended up being the wackness! For a hot little minute there I wasn't going write anything today considering I hadn't been on here for ages, but then I read that last entry and I was like HELL NO. People have to know. The bitch was wack. No more wack bitches. In fact, I just recently dodged a bullet with a certain self important 6'0" Pilipina. Then there's the matter of my bff's twat girlfriend. Jesu Christo I'm over the women in this town.

On an entirely separate note...

I am waiting to hear back from grad school. I applied to the New School for International Affairs. Ugh what a shit show. If I get in, I am hoping this will prove to be the best opportunity to make a smooth graceful transition into another phase of my life. My time with Publicolor is on the wane. I do want more from life, and I am going to get it.

I am also a for reals lard ass these days. It's kind of hilarious. Kind of terrifying. Hehehe...ahem.

Dream on Dreamer

2009-10-04T09:08:00.002-04:00

OM freaking G!! Autumn is easily the sexiest season. First ol' girl in Minneapolis, then the wildly sexy brilliant assistant principal at one of the school's I work with. Um me and that chick hooked up last Friday, then proceeded to have a 3 day hang out that by turns was unnerving, sweet, drunken, shy, but never forced. Too much really. I mean, I had to have the bartender unhinge the god damned bathroom door to get her passed out person out of there. Frankly, it was completely bananas and just the sort of horseshit I find comfort in. I saw her at a really raw moment and took care of her. That's me. That said, she put herself out there saying that she liked me and wanted to hang, got WAY sloshed day 2, and then wakes up day 3 only to reminded by a very annoyed Bff/roommate that some strange trick put her drunk pukey tail in bed and woke her up because you wouldn't get out of those cold wet puked on clothes. For all of the bravado, no one is feeling thrilled with them self after some shit like that. I can completely dig why she may have run for the hills this week. But fuck it, shit like that happens all the time on this planet, and certainly in my world. I like her. She has everything I want in a girl and more. She loves college football. Not as maniacally as I do, but she loves Ohio St. She's very smart, charming, beautiful, complex, funny, messy, and cool as fuck.

I got drunk one night and wrote this:

I am looking for an unutterably compelling, complex,
hilarious, deeply sexy someone to endure my company, share a
laugh, a bottle, some great food, and maybe a legendary romp
in the sack. I'm kind of particular about the order these
days, so no legendary romp action until I've known you for
atleast 30 days. Not for nothin', but it would be
smashing if you were into say, three of the
following: Joseph Campbell International
Affairs History Conspiracy Theories Books Cycling Lord
of the Rings Dive bars Runnin' the streets Rich
Medina/DJ Spinna/Cinematic Orchestra Wild At Heart Madden
2005

We'll see...we shall see...

When they pulled her from the wreck she still had on her shades....

2009-09-18T22:30:00.002-04:00

Ahem. I sent her a drunk email. It was well written save for one glaring typo. More to the point, it was heartfelt and pretty well thought out. Monster is a little to esoteric to get where I'm coming from on this. Truth be told, I feel ok and comfortable with the email. She was the only other person there to experience this remembering. Who devil else am I suppose to share this with? Aren't I too the bearer of this inappropriate indulgence that she may or may not be mum on? Save for texting and airplane fly overs any medium would suffice. I'm ok with disappearing. I choose not to dwell in these little calamities anymore. My demons are beginning to bore me. No more hoping against hope. But it is hard to let go of the pain. This time though, I feel buoyant. Present. Feeling. It's good. She just had to know.

So check this shit out...I'm doing the painting gig in my neighborhood! I can't tell you how proud and stoked I am. I'm about to burst. Some velvet morning when I wake. Lee Hazelwood baby! Yea! How sexy is that? Anyway. Shit. I digress. I am super excited.

I've recently come to realize that I am an insensitive self involved asshole. The thought made me chuckle all day yesterday. When I think about it, it's pretty much true. Not all the time, but when I stink it up I fucking stinking it up. I literally managed to annoy, piss off, vaguely offend at least 4 friends in the span of week. While I doubt that is blowing anyone's minds in terms of numbers, but for this little life it's kind of huge. Jesus. One more thing to work on. ;P

Can't Sleep Again

2009-09-15T00:13:00.002-04:00

*Sigh* What to do?! What to do!? I hate it when I get all despairing like this in the wee small hours. So much to think about, and really fuck all to think about. What's their to say about the one that got away? Did she? Didn't she? Why I am such an incompetent housekeeper? What is the next big move in life? Balls!

Truth be told I am still kind of reeling from what went down over the break. I'm not devastated and destroyed like I was the first time I realized timing beats love paper rock scissors stylee. But I am unnerved and kind of annoyed. Like I fucking get it LIFE. You're meaningless, and I shouldn't attach anything to these fleeting perfect human encounters. Cradle and love that time for the precious ephermeral thing it is. Yeah fucking yeah...I motherfucking get it. Go beat some other poor soul about the head and neck with your horseshit.

I laid there on someone else's couch watching her smile beatifically as she piddled in that tiny kitchenette. I looked at her and felt like we had been this for years, and then I thought to myself, "Is this what thos 8 years might have felt like? That we could be anywhere any time in the space time continuum, and it would always feel like this...magnetic...timeless... Was it love that I felt right then? Hell I don't know, but I know there was a magic, an intensity, and a heat that I won't soon be forgetting anytime soon. My question ( and in my heart of hearts I know the answer), is whether or not she felt that too. Truth be told, I think she did. But is this something I should pay attention to and will into fruition? Or let die on the vine. My mother says, that I should leave it alone...too complicated. Ugh...

In the moment I told her that we were like once a century comet. Great. That pretty much absolved her of any reason to think of us having a future. Now I want to renegade on that statement tenfold. At 31 I am very reticent to lay it all out on the line. I mean what is there to lay on the line? She's engaged, to hear her tell it on Myspace. ENGAGED. She lives 5 states away. No action. no night life. No boogie.

Pros:

After an 8 year absence from one another's lives it was on like donkey kong on some very important levels.

She comes from home.

She's adorable and has sex appeal off the charts.

She likes to dance. Well she's a dancer, but I could probably take her to a salsa party and do alright.

She doesn't care about material bullshit, eventhough she secretly loves it.

She's a good woman.

She's hot for me.

I am hot for her.

She loves hard.

I like her crazy.

Cons:

She lives like 5 states away.

She's living with her 46 year old lover.

I am a terrible housekeeper and financial manager.

Fuck it. I'm over thinking about this, atleast for now. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?!?!

You know, I would have been content just hanging out with her. I WAS content hanging out with her. It was top of the rock. The other stuff didn't need to go down if all I am left with is this insufferable wistfulness for something that never was. What a crock of shite!

Like Whoa

2009-08-27T19:41:00.002-04:00

So uh...8 years later it was still hot as the damn devil between us. Yes me and the ex hooked up last night, and it was stellar. Ethically challenged, but fucking stellar. I'm not torn up, but I am wistful. She's pretty much the exact kind of woman I need. The last few days we spent together was amazing, powerful, and fun. I was surprised by how much she moved me. Like seriously, 8 years ago we were nothing more than a month long hook up. Super hot, but not anything that I thought would re surface 8 year later. Of all the people that I had hoped against hope to see once more, she was the last person I thought that that would be. Sure, I thought about her over the years. She's got the most gorgeous eyes, and making love to her was supreme, but ephemeral. In my mind, she had been relegated to the 'hot college lovin' file in my brain. Now what? Now I have got a whole new set of hot memories to chew on for god knows how long. Oh hell yea, I want to see her again. Hopefully, next time the timing ie she's not in some May-December romance with a 46 year old will be better. I will absolutely give her a run for her money if our path cross again in this life time.

Oh as for the internet date action...yeah that fizzled. surprise. Date #2 included two of her sweaty fucking friends. Fuck that. Fuck her. That was the wackness. Thankfully, the 30 day rule was in play mentally so it's no skin off my nose to be relegated to the friend zone with this one.

And yes, ol' girl from out of town completely destroyed the 30 day rule thing, but does she count when it comes to that rule? I mean this all came as a total surprise, and she wasn't a prospect.

I'm tight

2009-08-24T13:26:00.002-04:00

I feel like I'm on episode of elimi-date. Do you remember that show? Seriously, I'm kind of put off. Who is this riff raff she's dicking around with? My god, variety is not the spice of fucking life. Listen, this is why the 30 day rule is full effect. No more getting the milk before the buying the cow. I did something of a full court press on Friday and Sunday, but what evs...You can't go into Tuesday night with a shitty attitude. I say tomorrow is the perfect day to go to the beach. Today, you should clean the apartamento.

Goddammit. I'm tight. tight. tight. tight! Ignorance is bliss.

My Iphone is frozen to be damned....

2009-08-23T23:33:00.002-04:00

Chemistry is a motherfucker. Had a serious. hot. sexy. blast from the past blow through town. We just got through hanging out. Oh, it was all still there to be sure, but we are grown ups now. We honor our commitments. In my case, to the self. In her case, to her relationship. For every "breath" she let out during the course of our hanging out, could have been a devestating orgasm had we not had our wits about us. Blasted wit! She's still got the most amazing eyes ever. The cool thing is that I genuinely like her. Her intensity is intoxicating. It seems like she's been actively working to spin that intensity in a positive way, but it's all still there. delish!

It's been a good distraction re: Va. I sent her a flirty text, and got bubkus in return. I'm trying not to fret. Only Tuesday will tell the tale. I kind of want to put out already, but I have got to keep a cool head. This always happens! Yes...yes...yes! There are heaps of dirty thoughts floating about, but all in good time.

Duuude...my goddamn phone is frozen to be damned! I just put in the freezer. We'll see if that helps. I wish I was at Les Enfants Terribles.

We're not to expensive, but you've got to pay...

2009-08-15T20:08:00.003-04:00

You're such a street walker....Thank you Kool and the Gang. You are my secret sexy cool fun time.

So I was re-reading this blog as I am wont to do, and I noticed that this whole thing with Side Show was a really long time ago. Admittedly, as of late I can attest the human's capacity for time travel. I was right back in that shit storm not but last week, and it was not of my doing. That is to say that I didn't send a suspiciously errant text message. She did. I should have just left it at delete my phone number. I got sucked in, got all anorexic again, and woke up crying on my birthday. Fuck that. Nothing has fucking changed. SHE'S THE WACKNESS.

Bah!

So any way I had a very sweet charming internet date last night. The whole thing came as a surprise, as my forays onto Craigslist usually bely a boredom of some sort. I responded to an ad, and the lovely lass is perfectly normal. We exchanged a few emails and met up last night. It was loose, fun, and VERY candid. I was blushing during certain points of the conversation. We also had mutual friends in common. That was actually key in a lot of ways. One could do some more indepth vetting. I certainly think we are attracted to one another, but my 30 day rule is effect. Truth be told, I am already kind of sweating bullets. Last night certainly could have ended on a more heated note than the chaste kiss on the cheek I gave her. I did good on that tip, but good christ! I've been turned on all day. Cool...Never underestimate the heady thing that is self-deprivation. I am chomping at the bit to break my own rules day 1! But one must keep a cool head, eyes on the prize. En plus, she's into seeing multiple people at once. I don't like to share, so this is double dog why I should just keep the little sex dwarf down stairs on a leash until I feel it's ok to do it emotionally. Really I just need to know the person is cool. So far so good.

My friend Delywn is coming in town. I wonder what he wants to do? I have got to clean this apartmento once and for all. It's do or die Sunday. Dude...I need to get my tv scene right. Football is back on the scene, baby!!

The Back of Beyond, indeed...

2009-07-30T23:03:00.002-04:00

I'm feeling pretty good these days. I'm gettting out more, and generally doing a lot of self care. It's cool. I'm about to turn 31 next week. A week from right now in fact. And so time marches on, steady stoic unrelenting until it takes the big sleep. I saw this crazy looking old lady this afternoon that made me wonder what changes this body will go through as it ages. I don't mean crazy like crackhead crazy, I simply mean a sublime reduction of a human. It wasn't pleasant by any stretch, but amazing and cool none the less. Like what will my voice sound like at 68? Will this staccato still be firing? Will my voice get deeper or super reedy like it's been stretched in outerspace? Fucking inquiring minds want know. I think it's gonna be fun. For now though, I want to focus on the super secret black ops mission of my 30's. There is a lukewarm skirmish taking place in my mind and soul about my relationship to love and sex. I mean, in my 20's it was all about making up for lost time. All the plotting and scheming of my childhood and adolescence finally paid off, and I totally could not have told a such a tale unless I lived it.

If I am honest with myself, love was an afterthought. I was all about fucking. There some noted exceptions to that practice. Maya comes to mind. She was precious. We were babies. But mostly, I wanted to taste it all. And I did. The price was steep. I'm kind of boneheaded romantic. My attitude was if the sex or chemistry was spectacular, then we were destined for something great and extended. I was willing to endure their company for the great sex thinking, eventually they'll get it. I failed to fucking realize that you actually ALSO need to like the person in a Rumi and Shams of Tabriz kind of way to be able to truly endure their company. I put the emphasis on 'also' because great sex is still numero uno. I am just realizing that I need to take time to get to know someone. That is to say, to truly be present when encountering and engaging a person with whom you share a sexually charged tension, as opposed to a thinly veiled feigned interest in whatever drivel is coming out of their verdant over ripe craw...biding one's time until you taste of flesh again. Once the heady stupor of sexual arousal has worn off, there is only the individual. And if the individual sucks or is not fucking getting with the cosmic love program, then your emotional world will be a shit strewn train wreck for atleast nine months after the last time you got it on with the person. FUCK THAT. If I take 30 days to get to know these foxy ladies first, I can root out the riff raff. I mean I can obviously go a hot loooong minute without sex, so hold out for another 30 days next time you meet a hotty. I think it'll be worth it.

I fucking hate typos

2009-06-26T00:32:00.001-04:00

When I re - read my shit, I'm like fuck... learn your words.

So MJ died today. It's wierd but inevitable,no? Death comes closer and closer every day. I'm not saying that to be macabre. Quite the contrary. I did some dancing in Club Casa to honor him and his work. I inten to do some more in the near future.

*sigh*

The future...atleast he doesn't have to fret about that shite anymore.

Anyways, I'm learning guitar and it's been amazing so far. I obviously still suck to be damned, but practice makes John Coltrane. That fiend would practise for le 12 hrs a day. I try to remember that.

Drunk as a skunk

2009-06-13T00:45:00.001-04:00

It's Friday night and I've got my good on.

Memorial Day Weekend

2009-05-24T09:46:00.001-04:00

God, I love these bad little cats. They are permanent hairy four legged toddlers that like eating my plants and breaking shit. Beasts! Speaking of beasts I need to go feed Bruce. Ugh.

My god! This job with the cougars! There is now ANOTHER one in the office that rocks pantyless pilates pants to work. I haven't had a clean thought at work in weeks. The hair...the wiggle...it is too freaking much. Oh yeah she's also wicked smart, a total Yankee WASP Irish stylee and I quote "a professional barfly".

Christ! I've been going on ad nauseum about the coug, I totally forgot to mention that I amputated the tip of my pinky! If I could up load a photo of the wound when I was in the ER I would. The shit was bananas! It's been fascinating to watch my pinky heal. The body heals in concentric circles. The nub is coming in nicely. The nail will be ghastly forever more I fear. I'm looking into custom jewelry for the pinky.

It's time

2009-04-30T01:06:00.001-04:00

Emails are the death node to my budding relationships with women. Christ. I genuinely thought this one was cool. I'm feeling like i am looking over a precipice these days. What's the next 10 years gonna look like? It doesn't really matter if i don't start getting good at the small shit. I've got to get good at the long littleness of life. Maybe that's the lesson in being 30. There is alot more life to lead.

Ginger's or I'm the captain if this ship.

2009-03-21T01:25:00.001-04:00

I'm sitting at Ginger's trying to sober up for the rest of my ride home. I know a bar is an odd locale to sober up, but it's working. Buncha goddamn subnormals, and I love every one of their faces. This is dykedom as I've come to grow fond of eventhough I want something different for my life and loves.

It's good to sit here and wonder if fate is too busy for you and your horseshit. I don't have to work tomorrow and don't feel like going home. All I'm gonna think about is the fact that I am enamored with a married woman who gently teases me the way one would a 12 year old crushed out on the baby sitter. My god! I
can barely get three words out around her. She truly is one of the beautiful people. If her life were off by a molecule I would make it a point to have her, but alas that molecule configured the way it did. She's married and straight, and I'm the drunk american lesbian that shadows her every move from the bar stool in the corner. Enivrante et forte.

Why can't you upload photos to blogger from your iphone? I'm wearing a really hilarious sailor's hat. Why a sailor's hat? Because i am the captain of this ship!

Do you people see something I don't?

2009-03-05T16:42:00.001-05:00

Apparently yes. Namely this goddamn train. Ok so I was way off about the trainer. NEVER listening to my dude co-workers again. Pero tu sabes que? Ella también era otra. She gave off total friend vibes. Whatever I'm apparently destined to never meet a decent female sort in this town. One split back down under and the other is my nyc bff. I was hopin to talk to old girl about Joseph campbell, but no she has to be like every other person in this wicked little town. Mind you this also plays into my fear of befriending straight women. I'm always fearful that they think that I ha nothin but ill intentions for their body. Ok maybe I fear that they are mind readers or that I'm THAT transparent.

Fuck I don't know I'm laying off people for a while.

One of those nights...

2009-02-24T00:36:00.001-05:00

I don't know what the next adventure is going to be, but it's time I start kickin up some dust to see what gives. Peace Corps? Teaching? Love? Balls! What?

I'm supposedly meeting m. next week for some evening activity. We'll see. All signs point to the same old shit sans sexual tension. Which could equal boring. I don't want to be an impatient meathead, and I hope she isn't wildly full of shit. There's like a 30% chance this will even be pleasant. Just promise me you'll dip out if the wackness does rear it's head...

I'm thinking about taking muay thai classes. Let's put a positive spin on that masochistic energy! And yes that delectable cougar is into it. Truth be told, that's reason #4675 why I shouldn't go to that gym. I'm not a beautiful preening animal yet. Who the fuck wants to see a piggy sweat?

Ugh tomorrow looms. I'll be alive but wanting more.

Jump and funk.

2009-02-20T02:22:00.001-05:00

Hot for a 40 yeAr old straight woman? What is this? Sophomore year of college? Balls!

My Bloody Valentine

2009-02-14T22:07:00.001-05:00

Well not so bloody, just alone. It's not awful, I'm just remembering my posture. My new sexy bra is forcing the issue. As usual I'm more of a porker than I want to admit. But whatever I feel great, and I look great tonight.

I wanna go eat NYC up

Elegy

2009-02-13T00:13:00.001-05:00

I just found out that my friend Wan Chen died in a horrifying bike accident in London. She's been gone now since September, but I only found out tonight flippin around on Facebook.

You know, you've got these far flung friends and you think of them from time to time and you hope all is well and usually it is. She was doing what she loved, and was married. Two things I remember us talking about on our long walks all over this town. I also remember her descibing a typical Taiwanese elementary school day while climbing rocks in central park. I remember her laughter, her effortless style and beauty. She was truly a friend. We easily created a space in ourselves to cradle one another's hopes, dreams, and memories. Those walks were saving graces.

In the back of ones mind you fear a moment like this. You're the friend from another time and place. We weren't fixtures in one another's lives. We were fondly remembered friends whose names and stories flickered briefly in anonymous ephemeral conversations where it was understood that one would never meet Verushka's friend WanChen and vice versa. How long would I have been ignorant to this loss? How long would my far flung friends being ignorant of my death?

Wan Chen you are light and love. I will cherish the precious time I spent with you here for as long as I live. Thank you. I love you lady.

Fucking Calvados!

2009-02-08T01:28:00.001-05:00

I can't lie give me the drunken throbbing crush of the les enfants masses over the rest of the shite going down in NYC tonight. Admittedly, I was better off in bk tonight but I was feeling obligated to make it out into the city. Since I'm here I may as well make the most of it.

The gig is slowly becoming the wackness. It's not the kids or the work. It's managing the hysteria that's becoming the hassle. Who in the needs more cash if this is trade off? I need a new adventure, and I want it to be international. It's time...

Grand Street

2009-02-05T22:24:00.001-05:00

Christ what an emotionally exhausting day. Totally my fault but fuck it! M called last night. Thankfully I missed the call. The message was wildly whatever. I've no need for her friendship if this is what her friendship looks like. Besides all my true friends are like fuck that chick. I don't feel that way, but her voicemail speaks oodles and boodles towards her atitude towards me and power dynamics in general. She's never read Story of O and I've never made my piece with being a masochist.

on a separate note altogether, a professional development trainer told me that she thought I was an awesome person and said we could talk out side of work. Very exciting this afternoon, but here in the wee small hours I'm a little less bright eyed and bushy tailed on the matter.

It'll be nice to be home again.

The Blackness

2009-02-04T23:16:00.001-05:00

I frickin' love black people! This Wattstax doc reminds of home. I had to come to NYC to feel all that. We're world wide too. I have this massive crush on a French African woman named M. Her beauty is so tender and delicious! Evervescent bubbles of sexy are popping off her person everytime does a little jaitinho between people. She is thrilling. I can't take it...en plus I haven't been this attracted to a black woman in a long time. Well I suppose M counted, but she was such a confused viper about the whole thing. So uh...guess whose got a thing for mixed black identified women? That'd be me. Guess who sussed out her 'im not into black women' dilema? That'd be me too. The other M is happily married to a sweet beautiful man. I'm just the drunk American lesbo that she catches admiring her on occasion. She's wonderfully gracious about the whole thing, but it makes me squeal like a little girl! Christ, why can't she be gay? Or single? Ideally both. If the truth be told, my attraction to her is directly proportional to unavailability. Nothing new there. If I even got a whiff of homoness and not marriedness I would pursue with maximum intensity. I should really remember to take a breath right here. Slow burns are good too, no? The future is now and the simmering feels good. Its enough to drink her in from afar. Im even sparing in that. I only see M every now and then. Now that I think about it there's no ring to speak of...oh will you stop?! All of this hullabaloo from a hug and a hello.

one bourbon, one scotch, and one beer

2009-01-21T21:01:00.000-05:00

I frickin love John Lee Hooker. How many times have I uttered a comparable phrase to my local bar keep? These days I'm trying stay dry and get to the heart of the matter. I'm straightening up and flying right my way. I recognize the obligation to endure life, and usually I'm 'bout it 'bout it'...but good Christ is it hard! I completely and totally understand where cutters are coming from. It is sheer glorious madness to choose to live. This shit hurts!

These days I work out. Or ride my bike. That's how you beat that little blue devil. You fucking endure. Tomorrow for tomorrow!

On another note entirely...I think love is afoot in the white house. Yea! Barack and Michelle looked so goddamned beautiful. It was inspiring.

The Winter of my discontent

2009-01-11T22:09:00.000-05:00

I used to think that phrase was bleak and gray quote, but now I'm looking at it a little differently. It's the last season of my dark night of the soul. Things are looking up.

So we swore in Obama today. I did happily did all the patriotic shite one does on occasions like this. I stood, pledged allegiance, and sang the national anthem. For once it meant something. I still wished someone would streak or something. What a great fucking feeling! I really hope someone plays pfunk in DC.

I've also decided that I would totally do Michelle. The underbite is hot to me now.

A year to the day...

2009-01-08T01:24:00.000-05:00

My cats seem to think they are sleeping with me tonight. I'm the one with the opposable thumbs dammit! The bed is mine.

So it has Been a year to date since I've last blogged. I've thought about it quite a bit over the last year. I stopped mostly becuase my friends were up my ass with a flashlight about the way I walk through this world. Whatever. I'm a chatty cathy. I'm working on it.

I can't sleep tonight. The mint tea was proably not the lick.

I turned 30 over the summer. That has been a quietly amazing experience. I'm carrying the largesse and intensity of my energy with a shade more grace. I am proud of the fact that I can be a role model to young people, especially gay young people. Seriously, that TV show I was on has done fuck all for my love life, but it's been an amazing way for young people to reach out and say, "Me too."

I still on occasion still fret over that someone, but I know it's best I go on as if I never knew of her existense. Words like so much toothpaste that can't be put back in the tube have flown between us. C'est finis.

*grin* I frickin love my iPhone. There can be no emotional turmoil to put me in a snit, therby gauranteeing ultimate death, doom, and destruction for whatever electronic device in my possession.

I guess that's it for tonight. It is well past my bed time, and tomorrow is going to be a barn burner too.

hmm...french hip hop arouses

2008-01-08T01:09:00.000-05:00

I was going to say that after a certain hour my lifestyle habits deteriorate rather badly. Now I'm not so sure. I don't want to spend another weekend like this one. Turmoil can get at me. I don't write up here, and I don't know why. Maybe I talk too much. Maybe I should take a vow of silence. God, that'd be nice. I'm going to try. Work obviously is going to be challenge. I figure bare minimum. An exercise.

we're texas

2008-01-03T23:26:00.001-05:00

I just got back home from Texas. Texas is home. I totally realized that on this trip. I am loved there. I can see the stars. I can see land for miles. This trip...I hadn't been home in 4 years. Texas ain't that far. It was just too heavy. I've made something of myself up here. This is the place where I created a space for me and my shit. Admittedly, I chose NYC for the wrong reasons, but it all turned out so well. But I am ready to go home.

I couldn't say it over dinner for whatever reason, but unrequited love has precious little to do with the beloved. It's all about sitting in the quiet with bjork, a handle of wine, and swimming in your emotions. I need this more than the precious beloved. Christ, I'm a sick masochistic fuck.

Her beauty was fraught with all the languid humidity of her banana republic origins. One felt a slow crushing urge to bruise those hot house lips with the weight of your desire. And no I am not talking about the side show bob hottie.

Calgon take me away

2007-11-29T22:30:00.000-05:00

I just saw this photo of a woman with her head in her hands staring rather stoically at the camera. She said that she doesn't smile in photos because she's Eastern European and a former Communist...so matter of fact she was. That's me tonight. This week. Fuck....Calgon take me a away. Right now I should be thrilled that I pretty much hugged in a super flirty way two way hot chicks. Like all of a sudden my office is filled with smokin' hot amazons. One is my usual faire...hot green eyed blonde leggy human computer smart deliciousness. The other is like a flan. The richest her skin will get is like a carmelized sugar brown. At its palest it's an eggy brown. Ol' girl is like 6' of easy breezy cover girl, but she wasn't born with it...it is in fact Maybelline. She reveals nothing. It's sick. I love it. Needless to say, I barely remember hugging the other chick.

We had this really insane fight today about all manner of shit that I could give a flying fuck about. Well some of it was important, but the content of the devolving conversation was weighted like a motherfucker. I liked that we got into it. I hate it that I seized up like a fucking maniac, but I saw something other than the usual bullshit.

You would think that I'd be loving life right now. I just got a sweet raise. I made some more inroads with Kennedy. Me and Katie talk almost everyday. I'm happy. I don't know what else to say. Shit's good.

But this chick. She brings out the chase in me. As much as I love that sensation, I hate it twice as much if the chase comes out, but there's nothing to show for it. Katie says it'll happen. We'll see. I mean if I had to do a tally thus far of precisely what has gone down she is definately not indifferent to me. On the other hand, we've been shitfaced during each encounter. Wednesday night was an anomaly. An anomaly that we just plain haven't talked about. I fucking hate that shit.

I don't need to be in the office past 2pm. Period.

Christ on the cross

2007-11-23T19:57:00.000-05:00

Jesus Herbert fucking Christ! This strumpet is completely insane. Which strumpet, the internet inquires.....the Side Show Bob strumpet that's who! Two nights ago we got drunk and she ate apple bits off of my tits in front of our goddamn coworkers. Let's see what else...she sucked on my fingers and vice versa. All very hot, all very much a strange twist of events considering the post it and the ensuing email where she called me perpetually immature and passive aggressive. As is her wont the next day she called blaming the whole thing on the pitchers of sangria. Fucking spare me! Don't blame the booze for sucking on my fucking tit, you stupid drunk slut of a human being. Alcohol might be a dissociative drug, but that does not excuse her behaviour. If you're not interested fucking behave responsibly. Ofcourse I'm still hot for her. Why even ask? Needless to say, next week when I go back to work I'm going to have to pretend like she's office furniture. That's annoying. It's annoying because I thought something had changed. Oh, how wrong I was. More on this later. Dinner beckons.

Broken Hearts Are For Assholes

2007-11-06T16:22:00.000-05:00

Oh good Christ!

So guess who got a fucking post it note rejection sticky? That's right. Yours truly. Am I upset at being shot down. Sure. Am I livid at the post it note method. Um...oh my my oh hell yes! And frankly, Side Show Bob had ample opportunity to say "You're very sweet. I don't want you to get the wrong idea. " Long before Tuesday morning. LOooooooong before. I've sat here all day seething, knowing that any response would and will come off as bitter and emotional. I gotta tell ya...lesbos suck. I suck for trying to get my honey where I get my money, she sucks coz' she's spineless.

I'm never gonna be cool NYC lesbo, and you know what...I don't want to be one. Fuck these hags.

Well until next time atleast.

The Party Went Well

2007-11-04T09:54:00.000-05:00

It's true the party did go really well. It wasn't like my normal ragers, but awesome none the less. A little bit more grown up even. The one I'm currently hot for showed up with her little fucking watchdog that I invited! Oh the horror. I thought that chick was cool, but she's lame the way all POC scensters are lame.
Everything is a fucking judgemental therapy session. So what happend last weekend?
Me and my friends got shitfaced, traded fistacuffs, and generally owned the night. Last night was no different, just a better vibe....that I created. I am the black gold of the sun. That is what I should have told that hag when the first question out of her mouth was "What happend last weekend?" Not...oh nice place....or thanks for having me....but What happend last weekend? Girl, I don't have to explain shit to you. Argh...Enough. I want to get back to the other one that is rather slippery. Our chemistry seriously reminds me of Kennedy and me 8 years ago. I feel heat more than most. Me and this other one are simmering. I fucking hate simmering. And coolness makes me even crazier.

I suck at being cool. All I wanted to do was talk to her. Take her in. Impossible when you the hostess and equally impossible when she insists on surrounding herself with others wiht me always on the periphery. It's like that how she asserts herself. Jesus, that's a thought. She is just as aware of me as I am of her. Why isnt' that enough to just cut to the chase? Dude...the exact same lame shit with Kennedy. She and I are not indifferent to one another.

Bah! I'm gonna go finish cleaning club casa.

Oh quickly a note about dinner with said hot one. It was awesome. I mean really. We actually have quite a bit in common. And it's at that dinner that I really sensed something was a foot.
She likes me. I saw it on her lovely grill walking up to my party. God...I just wanted to talk to her and my pride wouldn't let me. Fuck.

Mushrooms & Mazzy Star

2007-10-31T00:06:00.000-04:00

Oh my god. Queer Eye is mean, but oh so true. I'm glad the apartment is clean. I'm about to destroy this place again with a party. We'll see who shows. Yes. Yes. I've been down this road...throw a party ....hoping against hope that atleast two chicks I'm hot for to show up. There will probably be another blog lamenting their cruel absenteeism. I'm suppose to have dinner with a certain amazonian pipsqueek. She is so goddamned arrogant I love it. We'll see...she might bail on that. I wonder if I should shroom again this weekend...hmm...

Oh! Check this shit out! I'm trolling craigslist last night, and I randomly come across a post that is titled...mushrooms & mazzy star. All the posting said was prove.

Saturday night I took mushrooms, a certain angry pacific islander tried to destroy my mp3player which frickin has all this Mazzy start on it, and railed about how I was a coward and how she always remembers.

I know she wrote that post. Not but 20 minutes later after my responding to it, did it disappear.

I'll see her Friday.

*cue the twilight zone theme*

Verushka & the Hangovers

2007-10-28T18:44:00.000-04:00

Christ. What a night last night was. Fist fights. Party crashing. A visit to blueballville. All in all a super fun night. I say all that but it is not without dark undertones. One of my closest friends in this town has a very serious problem with rage and maybe the marching powder. Technically, she's attacked me three times. Two of those times went down last night. Basically, she texted me the night before reminding me to bring the lace. I responded appropriately. I went to bed, and woke up late. I rushed out of the house and subsequently forgot her damnable lace. She seethed over this pretty much afternoon then by six started kicking me, attacking me, and spilling shit on me. I responded in kind. Twice! And once on mushrooms! I don't mind a physical altercation or two when I'm drinking. I'm a total redneck like that. I tried to grapple with Michael last night. That man is like 230 (as if) and kind squat like me. We could fucking be related. Anyway, my trying to grapple him was for giggles. This shit with ol' girl is heavy. I think she feels more for me than she lets on to anyone, herself included. That seems to be a running theme in this town full of these hot go getter types. So fearful of being out of control, is it any wonder that the exterior is so rigid? It is out of sheer necessity, because what lies underneath is fucking molten. I ususally want in, if it's deriviate of a hither to untapped river hot house sexuality. Which brings me to the latest of these hot go getter types. I'm not gonna lie she excites me, and yes part of that excitement absolutely has something to do with her bein
g 6.0 flat footed. Then there's the knockers thing, she's got a fantastic rack. Well, one can never be to sure...it might be a super awesome bra. *grin* I doubt it though. She's a shameless flirt, who may have finally met her match. Like I said, she excites me.

A Goddamned Christmas Miracle

2007-10-24T23:07:00.000-04:00

Christ! I've spent the last two nights fighting with this thing. It took fucking forever to recover this blog from the clutches of the old blog.

Where to begin? Ah...

First. I am a god awful windbag after doing a toot. (However, in my defense that party was LAME)

Second. The always alluring and utterly enchanting c was at said party. I feel like we are always both very aware of when the other is on their periphery.
At one point everything and everyone magically disappeared and there was just the two of us. Our conversation came in fits and starts. It was as if we were both surprised to be there even though we both wanted to be right where we were. I am deeply smitten. Very goddamn desirable. VERY.

I'm thinking about leaving new york. I'm thinking about going back home. I'm thinking about going out to see the world. My lack of international travel save for when I was an army brat, shames me.

Third. This job is completely insane, yet I'm comfy as hell. Hell really is other people. Good god.

I'm sick of solitude and celibacy, but who the fuck are we kidding! I'm going for quality from here on out. Quality knows what she wants, says as much, and lets those she truly loves privy to what's under the vest without all the frivolity and bullshit games. I try to be as naked as humanly possible at all times. A goddamned up hill battle in waist deep snow living in this freak scene, but I'm making out alright. I feel like my anger and indignance remind me that I used to be completely naked all the time.

God I'm a fucking stoned out windbag. It never freakin ends. Fuck.

God..I've been I saw...my god whatever

2007-09-11T21:04:00.000-04:00

Dude, I'm ove this town. I'm not even funny anymore. I just try not to die from nine to five. I'M LESBO. HERE ME ROAR!

I think Texas is calling me, but I cannot go back home. Onward!

Onward!

Onward through the fog!

I need to go live in another country. I need feelings of validation that only come with living from where you are not for years to justify this existence. Screw youth development. Screw those little beasts, and the feckless shitheads that call themselves helping the youth. Myself included!

You know what I want? I want to go back to being a drunk riff raffy n'er do well. Children change all that, and they are not even mine!!!!

You know what I've started telling the kids as of late?? I've started telling themthat they are the best birth control ....EVER! And I'm not even into dudes.

Mind you, it's not the kids. It's everything that comes with being a grown up.

The fucking bill paying.

The no-pussy ever thing

The arriving in a timely fashion to important things.

The world would have you think that these things are integral to being a decent human being. Well fuck all that ! Arrrgh!!!

oh how the tables have turned

2007-04-07T22:59:00.000-04:00

Good lord it's been a while. i'm writing this particular entry on my phone. I love this toy. the I phone will probably be awesome. Anyways, that isn't what I wanted to talk about. I wanted to talk about friendship. Like in New York one pretty much makes friends from work or heavy diet of drinking at the same bar for years. Back home in Austin become friends behind some random encounter, and then chill at each other's crib the entire day and or night. Those are two very disparate ways of becoming friends. So I guess my question is, how do you become friends with someone that you don't work with or drink with? Is there even a possibility?

There's a wierd gas leak in the city

2007-01-08T10:48:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year. I spent it with my ex in DC. We seem to be on a roll. It was an amazing trip.
By far the most emotionally honest, raw, and vulnerable exchange between us was had. I came away
from the trip loving her all the more, and feeling devastated. Like we've spent the last eight
years doing things the wrong way...well maybe not the wrong way, but it was definately a
case of the leading the blind. We had no idea who the other person really was, we just
got glimpes. It has been those glimpses that have kept us coming back I've realized. I've loved
her so much all this time, but I could never just say I love you, and what I feel between us is
bigger than college, bigger than my being BVD duty in your nonmonogamous relationship with
someone else. I was such a misguided hot head. And really who isn't at 20?

She had no idea she was compartmentalizing so much of her life to escape shit
from her past. She's just now beginning to unlock all of that shite, and becoming infinately more human in the process. These revelations explains her issues around food, sex, her general
awkwardness, really like every fucking about her. So...where is all this going...she comes clean. You come clean. So what happens next? Well what happens next is your being totally thoughtless and falling back into y'alls old pattern. Sex wasn't what she needed that night, so why? We've spoken since. She's hurt. I'm hurt. She needs her space, which I understand. I just hope we can move on from here.

Christ on the Cross

2006-11-15T21:06:00.000-05:00

Dude...I'm so over everything right now. I know I know...I've hit a rough patch. Freaking bite me.
And why is it that every time all hell breaks loose in my life, the first thing to go is my goddamned

MP3 player is the first thing to go? Last time, it got ran over by a bus. This time it got swiped from the teacher's
lounge at the school I'm working at. I won't even go into 'the man' being on my ass.

2006-09-24T22:54:00.000-04:00

What the hell is beta?

2006-09-14T23:21:00.000-04:00

My mind has been wracked with other shit as of late, but I recently had a very interesting experience. While I was visiting a nameless ex in DC, she had opened up about her issues with food. I went with her to an over eaters anonymous meeting. I totally lied about my own situation, I totally felt like that guy from Fight Club. Anyways, it was pretty heavy shit. But also deeply amazing. Hell, I think I even fell in love. Like this one woman was pure Virginian beauty. Like all dark hair, dark eyes, sleepy lids, and a generally sensuous vibe. Jesus...anyway, participating in these folks discrete lives was so...precious. Their struggle isn't one to be envied. I love every one of those folks. Some were poetic. Some sad. Others had the manic energy of a broken hearted child. I won't forget that anytime soon.

Bush and the Twinkies

2006-09-11T21:13:00.000-04:00

I so trying to avoid this moment. My 911 moment. Really I wasn't even there. I was back in Austin. I had left NY a week before. It was bad enough that while I lived in NYC I had never been able to make out the Towers. Like July 4th on the roof of my east village sublet, I could not see those fucking things. Then a month later I feel like I'm whipping my neck around half way across the country to witness my generations horror. As always on the periphery. And for once, seeing what a blessing it can be sometimes. What a shitty way to kick off a century. And this goddamned so called president. Now I know how I would have felt during the Reagan era. You are not a leader of a nation, you're a prince on a puppet. Nothing about you rings true. I may be bloated and sick off of your apple sauce and crushed pears also known as the shit you're cramming down my throat every fucking day, every where I go, everytime I look into another poor bastard's eyes, but I can still call bullshit! Those people deserve justice. Step down. Prostrate yourself at the feet of WE the people and beg us to spare you. Shame on you Bush and your whole freaking complicit ass family. Your peeps did business with the Nazis and you did business with Bin Laden. SHAME! SHAME! Traitorous shame!

Your filth will come out in the wash, it always does. You had just better hope that you and your ilk are dead and buried lest you suffer the blistering vilification that will forever blacken the names of Bush, Chaney, Rumsfeld, Bin Laden, and Murdoch. I personally, hope that I see your supposed legacy crumble in my lifetime.

I am angry. I am angry that this is the world that has been left to me. Screw the conjecture and the conspiracies. I smell a motherfucking rat and now the rest of America does too. But can America part with some parts of American life? Like would it be so bad if we all gave up our cars, designed our cities on a human scale, ate better, worked less, engaged more, and had some good ol' fashioned private time with America? Got to know one another again?

I mean I feel so estranged from the rest of America culturally, but I know I'm not. I'm as American as you can get. En plus, I'm from Texas. But my values...my values set me apart. What are your values, would be a very valid logical next question. I couldn't tell you in succint or even articulate way. I just KNOW. It has alot to do with not acting (or not acting) out of fear.

Have no fear of fear. --Charles Bukowski

Fear is the mind killer. --That dude from Arrakis othewise known as Dune.

Goddammit I'm double dog pissed..

2006-09-05T23:32:00.000-04:00

I'm fucking pissed at this city. I'm pissed at the lack of intimacy. No hanging out.No house parties. No affection. Nothing but cheap damaged goods and usurpers. I'm over naming names on this fucking blog but suffice it to say this chick has showed her ass with me for the last time. Don't fuck with history. Enough about that individual. First, let me say that it feels good to be writing again. I just got off of whacking at my Olivetti. Something of interest came to the surface. There is no doubt in my mind that I liken this city to a cold sexy bitch that I love and desire. I wrote a very maudlin story about her. I may as well make the story about new york. As it stands the story is way too close to the truth. There's no real drama or tension. It was all a very one sided love thing. *wicked grin* But she is single again. Yes, that curly headed ice queen is single. I'm nothing if not tenacious. Anyway, New York is a fucking icy bitch and I love it. I'm hot for that very kind of woman in the flesh. And yet in both instances --the city and the women -- are both worth every brutish impression of their spike heel on my chest. It's a good hurt, but I need intimacy. For the last month or so I've have had that with with two very intense people in my life. They burn brighter than most, and having them in my life makes settling too bitter a pill to swallow. And that's what my life in this town feels like right now, a goddamned spoonful of codliver oil. What am I gonna do? I keep growling to myself, Render unto Cesar that which is Cesar's! But what the fuck does Cesar want? That little piece of the plan hasn't been sussed out just yet. I'm also nothing if not a little anxious. Is it KK? I mean here we are almost 8 years later and it's still sinfully delicious between us. And for once, the whole damn thing (this past weekend) was a great time. We both enjoy the quiet. There is enough action between us that everything else is just kind of whatever. Then there's the other one who shall go nameless who is the one, but ain't. She's my litmus test for all the rest. I think it's pretty hilarious that the I'm referring two don't get along even though they've only met twice. Whatever. Basically, I miss real people in my life. I miss the quiet of real life. New York isn't real to me. I'm only invested to a point. I wonder if it's getting to be time for me to leave this town. KK would be a fantastic reason especially if we're not in America. Don't get ahead of yourself. Or maybe ...traveling is solo...or you're destined to be solo...or solo no matter what is always apart of the equation, and everything I've thought up until this point has been based on a goddamned flight of fancy. Damn all of the works of Harold Robbins, Judith Krantz, Jackie Collins, Sidney Sheldon, Pauline Réage, Zalman King, Richard Linklater, and the entire writing stable of Bantam's Loveswept division to hell on a snot rocket! I'm an emotionally numb salivating pervert with delusions of genius and not pot to piss in because of these people! I kid you not. I remember reading somewhere that Margaret Atwood said something like boys grow up on porn and girls on romance novels. And the meeting of these two expectation is devestating for both. I think. Hell. I don't know I'm stoned. Anyway, welcome to my freaking world. That sentiment completely encapsulates what I'm feeling these days. I've got this insane narrative in my head,but I don't have a leading lady. I guess that's where all this is going. I really want to be deeply committed to someone or something. Maybe both maybe one, but not the other. But none of the above is not an option! Yes. There is the seat of my anger.

Then I take a breath. And then I think to myself. Ve. Shut up. Because when your time comes you'll be freaking out and on top of that you'll happily always try to be on your p's and q's. Christ, how soon is now? Morrissey hit it on the head.

Budweiser...the King of Beers

2006-08-19T15:56:00.000-04:00

I didn't get the memo. New York is about fem on fem. Who freaking knew. If I had only paid closer attention. I hate makeup. I mean I'll wear it if I'm feeling frisky, but not as like a daily fucking ritual. Good Christ.

Get down Doody..

2006-07-29T13:01:00.000-04:00

Party In Pants

2006-07-16T20:38:00.000-04:00

I lost my last fucking post. So annoying. So I was talking about how I was flirting with a straight friend of a friend. I think it was the haircut. There'd something a foot before, but now...game on. well as game on as game on can be with a straight girl hot for big black thug dick. I understand precisely the nature of her lust cause I'm the same way but on the flip side. What's more there's this other thing. We both had big hot love affairs when we were young and now we've been looking for the next hottest thing since. Ah if only...if only I was a dude or she was into pussy. Now I'm just left to savor those little moments. God where are the gay girls like you? The ones who ride motorbikes, worry about whose lookin' at her ass and tits, the ones who've got bad tempers and sweet smiles...where are you?

the summer has been moving along at a nice clip. last night i tried to bunny hop on a friend's bmx and totally ate shit. it was awesome. all of clinton hill was having a laugh at my expense. Speaking of bike riding, I've been going everywhere on my peugeot. It's hard but fun. En plus, I think I impressed said straight hottie with how fast I got to the bar.

Katie is coming to visit in like 2 weeks. It's going to take that long to clean that fucking apartment. I also want to move out of that place. I need to start putting some feelers out. Like something has got to give. I feel like living with people will keep me honest as far as the cleanliness is next to godliness thing is concerned.

It is so fucking hot, I think I'm a gonna die.

A title revisited

2006-06-12T17:02:00.000-04:00

It's official the crazy Russian can rot in the very bowels of hell! This weekend was totally lame. It was partly my fault. I shouldn't have told a mutual friend we were going to be hanging out, because it doubled the time it took for me to get to her, and my friend is dating her ex. did she say as much? of course not. anyway, I knew it would take work to make the most of the day. I tried not to brood about my stupidity. she didn't help matters. so we all end up having lunch. things are going fine for the most part. we're all chipper and chatting. I take a phone call from Gina in nz. that call runs a bit long since my girl is calling from nz. anyway, I come back to the table and we keep talking. then we get onto the subject of my lack of love life. more specifically we get to talking about my approach. I tell friend 1 that women practically throw panties in her face. she's just got that something I say. half jokingly I say maybe it's coz' I’m a dread locked black chick with broad shoulders. and friend 1 is like no...it's coz there is this ferocity about you. I’m harmless she says. then that crazy Russian twat chimes in with or maybe it's coz your corner girls in the bathroom. when she put that shit into the air I quietly freaked out. how dare she! she not but Wednesday sent me one her cryptic missives totally acknowledging that she's attracted to me. and I motherfucking quote:

Like playing in a sandbox and then four square and then there is the
attraction to you that will always persist, but you are a Leo and I a Taurus
and that is why persisting verging on existing.

I totally understand that this thing between has nowhere to go except to bed. Literally and figuratively. but seriously, I get it but what I don't get is why she felt like she could say some mean spirited shit like that? this isn't one her stupid wannabe cute misunderstandings. as far as I’m concerned she pulled that stunt with malicious intent. we basically had a very public discussion about shit she's never had the balls to discuss in private

needless to say my goddamned pride weekend was kind of ruined. the worst night of sleep in my life. I was and am so disgusted. the next morning I realized that disgust was what was coursing through me all the night before.

god does she make me seethe...I fucking hate seething...all it means when it's coupled with an intense attraction is that if the other party didn't have their head up their ass...it could be very hot and heavy action without all the emotional shite. we could just be two vicious animals slaking the blood lust for a few weeks. dumb ass birds.

Oh God...

2006-05-04T19:44:00.000-04:00

So...I'm about to see myself on TV as in the fully edited version of my 15 minutes of fame. This could be so ugly. Like I might want to hurl myself off of something after this. Part of me is like I can't believe I ever agreed to do this...and another part of me is completely indifferent...god this is going to be so horrifying.

So I bought a book on punctuation. I'm excited. I think I just heard another one of the subjects yelp. That can't be good. So anyways about this book on punctuation. I'm excited, I hope it will prove to be helpful. I really want to write and I want to make sure I'm doing it right -- whatever that means.

The job is a big damn headache these days. What else is new on that tip. I spent way too much money on some cool ass Nike dunks. I don't even rock Nike, but I took exception to these.

Evenflow

2006-05-01T12:10:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I'm feeling a little bit better, but kind of stressed about this coming Saturday. That's all I want to say about that. My work out this morning was good. Great in fact. Climbing the fence was a challenge, but cool. You're certainly not going to get that sort of thing in a gym. God, this place got packed quick. I wished the neurotic Russian happy birthday via text. she called back immediately. i hate it when she does that. It just made going to bed that much more difficult. Across the street is a Tower Records. There are a shit ton of nuts waiting for the midnight sale of Pearl Jam tickets. Who knew. So it looks like people are beginning to see my face on LOGO for the TV show. That's cool. Julie Jo sent me an email on my space. Sweet. Talk about one who got away. Well...I never really was butch enough for her tastes. I should go home and clean the apartamento once and for all.

I'm in a killin' mood

2006-04-25T20:08:00.000-04:00

I just started the rag today. That would explain my foul mood....kind of. I'm over the corporate lite gig. Like who the fuck knew working for a non-profit was so full of shit. I think I am also over NY a bit. Ah I don't know...I'm suffering from the worst sort of ennui...like the ides of march are done right? Even the on set of spring has felt strange. It's felt like I never thought I'd see spring again. It is my first spring with Lasik. Does that mean anything? I'm still terminally single, except this time around I've got dumb coozes proposing majorly unsexy things like being fucking on camera just so that person and their 'real' lover can watch. What the fuck kind of 21st century bvd duty shit is that?? Like the more I think about the proposition the more angry I get at NY and my life in NYC. I need something a little fucking richer than that. I know I'm a sweet ass good lookin woman and i'm kind of over playing second fiddle to casual sex and people thinking i'm wierd because i'm intense and sincere. What is with the goddamn gospel music at the internet cafe...I have really got to go.

Fuckin Hell

2006-03-27T20:46:00.000-05:00

I fucking lost my wallet again. Fucking again. And yes that new bank card my mom sent me was in there. Fucking bullshit. Like I was hoping today would make up for a crappy ass weekend, but no...it just proved to be the icing on the motherfucking cake. I'm trying to be optimistic, but easier said than done when I'm trying to pull myself out of a kind of major depression. Like for the last few months all I do when i get home is undress and lay on the couch. Sometimes working out helps but only for a bit. I had a good cry over it on sunday. Like I thought I had this shit beat. For the last year or so I've been really good. But lately...it's definately taken a turn for the worse. That was a rather sobering realization. This morning was such fucking bullshit. Goddamned ghetto ass cab drivers. Some fucking dickhead was trying to charge me 40 bucks to get to Thompkins Square Park. That sorry son of a bitch can rot! I told him as much. God knows where that fucking thing is...I've been calling police precints all day. Christ on the fucking cross...

Rockafella

2006-03-24T17:49:00.000-05:00

Oh Mumsy...

2006-03-17T18:04:00.000-05:00

God Mom said she'd send me her bank card. I mean I can see her reticence, but I've got 21.46 to live on for the next two weeks. She can't possibly let her daughter live like this. I am however completely and totally paid up with the rentski, but I still am going to have to show my face in court. Lesson learned, I'll pay my rent on time forever more.

As for the Russian...things are infinitately better, but only because I made a choice for it to be that way. I feel very proud of myself in that regard. Like I chose not to sit in shit. Does it mean I find her any less annoying or syrupy...not really, but I'm willing to be decent if only for my poor bruised knuckles.

I'm re-reading the Magus. I do that everytime I'm feeling like I want to get the fuck out of dodge.

Conviction

2006-03-15T13:07:00.000-05:00

I'm so gutwrenched, but I have to be harsh with myself. She's a fuckin' faker. Her sincerity means shit. You have got to remember that.

What in the holy fuck??

2006-03-13T13:40:00.000-05:00

Ok so I just read this article about HIV research. HIV might not cause AIDS. Profilic toxicity might be the cause in CONJUCTION with HIV. Like if you snort 15 rails of Tina off of Pablo's, Manolo's, Steve's, and Jared's ass over the course of an evening say for 3 years and fuck like a bunny with no jimmy that is your ass! Quite literally. It makes me rethink my willy nilly attitude toward drug use. Really how I treat my body in general. I always jokes about being orca fat but I"m not havin that shit...yes. Capoeira kicked my ass this morning. I should go my time is almost up. I have to go to the bank and send the man some money. I think I"m turnin' over honey.

Fuckin' Freaks

2006-03-06T19:32:00.000-05:00

Stupid girl. Stupid Verushka. Maybe Margarita is right. I am bored. I made myself miserable Saturday night behind that woman. And fucking Catty Shack was not helping. What a cheese dick scene. They played a track from the Grease soundtrack. Fucking Grease. I paid 5 fucking dollars to drink over priced shit and Grease. I am NEVER setting foot in that place again. On a lighter note my workout was good this morning even though I was totally late, because I was bummin' over this girl. And mind you...mind you! All of it means nothing...there is nothing...her cryptic love of platonic intensity can fuckin' blow me. I already went through that shit in college. Hello...does anyone remember Cory? Or that summer with Katie? Atleast they were deserving. But this one...what of my tender feelings for her. She doesn't give a shit. You should have seen the hug she gave me at the end of the night. Total bullshit one armed pussy nonsense. Fuck her I say! I am taking that anonymous poster's advice and saying bete pa la carajo! contra mujer!

Ok so an hour or so ago some random asshole wanted to use my computer. He just wanted to check his email for a few minutes. I was nice, but on the inside I was like motherfucker do you see the times we're living in? Are you fuckin CIA or what?

I'm getting a bit of a headache. I better split. I no I have got no conviction when it comes to the crazy russian, but I will try again this week to retreat.

Baubles Bangles and Beads

2006-02-25T17:15:00.000-05:00

Holy Crap in a Pita

2006-02-24T10:23:00.000-05:00

I am so disgusted right now. My food was delivered gross and soggy. My site may or may not be working. I should be there already as it stands. Fucking bullshit.

When am I going to be a blog of note!?

2006-02-23T17:48:00.000-05:00

416-7274...the sexiest phone number ever. I have no idea what is going on with that neurotic russian. Either way I'm wrapped around her finger. The other night she told me that in certain circles she's known as flipper. Not flipper the dolphin but flipper as in she flips tops. I can see it...kinda...she's got little hands. All in all it was a very nice cab ride. There is one part of her life that i"m not into and that's this hangin' out with the ex thing. But whatever...it's not my life. We're hardly friends. I can go on. But I won't.

So rent is uber late...like 2 months late. I forgot to file my state taxes and willfully threw away my w2 forms. I am so sick of this paperwork thing with american life. Goddamn it. I want out. I don't know what I want these days but paperwork is not it. And yet I"m applying to the Peace corps...more motherfucking paperwork. But then 2 years in the hinterlands of the world with a goat named pablo as my only friend. That's the dream.

You know who the neurotic russian reminds of save for the filthy sex...Kern. I say this because I get the same tension in my person if I don't see her or talk to her just like I did with kern. Granted with Kern my sanity would be stretched to the very limits if I didn't get to see her, but it's kind of the same with this one only invariably much more managable. I can't deny that I adore the girl. I also can't deny that she's not especially deserving of my chivalrous ways, but what can one do? You adore who you adore.

The other night on the train some woman complimented me on my toggle coat. I was like thanks and then went back to talking shop with ol' girl. When we got off the train, she was all ..."You see...you're so aloof...that woman went out of her way to compliment you and all you could offer was a curt thank you." I was like..."Who gives a shit if I'm not attracted to her."
Harsh. I know, but I was annoyed. I wanted to be like..."Dammit woman..it's you that I adore. I only want to talk to you."

Alas...I'm a chicken shit read...sensible.

Login Code

2006-02-19T17:51:00.000-05:00

She flaked. I was incredibly disappointed.

Oh the humanity...

2006-02-16T13:05:00.000-05:00

Global warming is here people. The veep in a drunken haze shot one of his old ass cronies. This administration is ridiculous. Like ha ha funny...then kind of curl up in a ball and cry funny. I spent 27 on porn yesterday. that's good coz on x-mas i spent 100. I should go home next year. More later...I gotta bail...

On and on and on

2006-02-13T21:57:00.000-05:00

I'm torn. I won't toss the l word around, but something is afoot in my person. Simply put I adore her. I'm alternately beaming or morose at getting to know such an incredible soul. I understand her on an intrinsic level. Why isn't friendship good enough for you? Is this more of the predatory wanting a challenge bullshit? I hope not. I want to take time and get to know this person. I'm enjoying it immensely. We talk. We really talk. She says that people fall in love with the idea of her. I can see that. I can also see right through that. She's judgemental about pot. Damn. Pot never did anything to anybody. We're suppose to hang out again this weekend. I can't wait.

I know you think I'm kind of strange

2006-02-08T11:44:00.000-05:00

I loved looking at Stella, but really you could insert any name here. Jen. Monica. Lucy. Ramona. Whatever. I’m a slave to a pretty face animated by sublimated desire. This time her name was Stella. And instead of being an olive toned red head or an ex stripper cum people of color revolutionary she was an icy blonde WASP stylee. The guttural and sublime lust is always there like a low grade fever. I was convinced that Stella was going to be my first real love thrill in this town. Those few times our eyes met or I got a whiff of her perfume, I could feel it all. I was astrally projecting into our love making. That first velvety tentative but hungry kiss. I could feel the shape of her teardrop breasts against my back – the tangle of our legs. I could feel it all. Her face made me ache for a broken heart. So much so, that one night I did just that. I looked at her and broke the fucker.
It was Halloween night. I was killing time at insert yet another jive ass dyke bar. I was supposed to be dressed as the lost member of P Funk, but I was feeling like a jerk in a jerk off suit on a jerk off night. I could feel it in the air, I knew I was going to see Stella. Knowing all the while that she’d be with the Yeti. All night I kept looking over my shoulder. My stomach was in knots. I wanted to see her face so badly, but at the same time I wanted to systematically smash every glass I could get my hands on. I didn’t want any surprises. I wanted to see her first.
I go to the bathroom, and then it happens. Our eyes meet in the mirror.
Every word that would have or should have ever been spoken between us -- I don’t really know – flashed through my being in a confused whirring whisper. I was devastated by the implications, and felt the full scope of my impotency. My love of chipping away at such icy countenances was permanently on the wane. Who gave a shit about her ersatz serenity? She shrouded the seething mind, a shuddering orgasm, and her most vicious cruel bits behind a bright-eyed smile that didn’t quite reach.
I should have left, but I couldn’t. I was a wounded animal pacing back and forth in a cage, wishing and hoping for a reason to pounce. Ignoring and being ignored. Finally, mercifully, she left. It freed me to leave. I ran.
I ran, but I couldn’t get away from that night. I couldn’t get away from myself. I stopped running, out of breath, and feeling incredibly ridiculous. Maybe Maya was I right. I do live my life as though it were an art house foreign film. Who else takes off running from the club in a petulant fit of lust and jealousy except for kohl eyed ingénues radiating cinematic mojo?
Eventually I end up at my favorite west side spot. I may have made a ruination of those last few hours, but all would be forgiven once the discreet doors of Apt. closed behind me. Divine Providence wasn’t having that shit. Apt. was charging a cover and had a guest list. Those motherfucks.
So there I was cold, drunk, and drug free. Sitting there on that bench amplified the loneliness of unrequited love. All I had left was my metro card, my golden bag of Bali Shag tobacco, and a book of matches. I walked over to the 14th street bus stop. This night was done. This jerk off in her jerk off suit was going home to her jerk off house. I didn’t even have it in me to scream. I just crumpled into a heap of sadness and started crying. I was heartbroken. Unable to turn to myself because I was broke my own fucking heart. I didn’t know why I was taken with Stella I just was. I could have sworn I was in love with Stella and that was what those tears were about. But really it was all me. I wasn’t in love with Stella. I wanted her because I love a good chase. I was crying because I still suck at love even though I want it so badly.
While I’m in the middle of this shit storm of bad thoughts, I look up to see this striking woman in a magenta chick Caesar style wig and frumpy overcoat walking toward me.
“Could I trouble you for one of your cigarettes?” the woman said with a slight accent.
The cold and the dark had sobered me up. I wiped away my tears.
“It’s a hand rolled smoke. Is that ok?”
“Could you roll it for me?”
“Sure.”
For a second there we didn’t speak. It was a surprisingly companionable silence. I really don’t remember how it started but I confessed my whole night to her. I didn’t just relay the events, I gave her all the shit behind the scene. She saw the sadness and the quivering in my soul. She’d seen me truly naked. And she was kind. We sat there as bus after bus passed talking about love and existence. One of the best conversations I ever had, but what’s more we shared this unutterably true human moment. Her name was Livia, and her words were salve on my heart. Her soul was a life line that night. I’ll never see her again.
“We’re all alone, you know. Love it or leave it. Give yourself all the love you possess”, she told me as we finally parted ways at dawn.
We did the ritual cell phone exchange, but it was a superfluous gesture. She was a city nymph that had gifted me with her soul. As far as I’m concerned she receded into the tawny ether of the morning as soon I turned toward Union Square. Our moment out there in the undisciplined night was just that. A whole moment.

Oh good christ

2006-02-07T19:18:00.000-05:00

Still besotted...en plus guess who I saw out Saturday night? Yes, that hot icy blond minx from a year ago. She's still seeing cheesy lesbian #7. I also psycho ex stripper cum revoluntionary. Remember?? The one who called me a good girl because I don't hate white people. Oddly enough, I felt alright. I did get a little tense...ok very tense but I handled it pretty well. I would like to keep on writing but it's getting late. All I have to say is that blondie doesn't look good with straight hair. Now my little nymph says she has no secrets. Fucking bullshit. But atleast she was here by herself saturday night. You are a fucking headcase. I love it, but I don't know if the rest of the world does. So much crap to do tomorrow. Christ on the cross...she's bringing saltines. Hurumph. Nutter...right here.

Back at the scene of the crime

2006-01-30T14:28:00.000-05:00

So I am back at the internet cafe where I may or may not have lost my wallet. I can't tell you what a pain in the ass this is. My mom pretty much bitched me out for losing her debit card. I can totally understand that. Me and my aunt Marta use that card. Marta is in Panama. The reason why I lost that shit was because I was in a seriously crappy head space. Mind you, it hadn't been a bad day. Up until that point the only blemish on the day had been that someone had stolen my metrocard on site. Everything else was still intact. Then I had a little post site r&r with some co-workers. I still hadn't dealt with the 'blemish' and then jealousy reared it's ugly head in my soul and that compounded things exponentially. I wasn't thinking straight and left my wallet somewhere. I know better than to let that shit get the best of me, but Saturday night it did. When I realized that my wallet lost I seized up inside. It took me two days for my muscles to relax. What a wretched feeling.

The next day I get a text msg saying: watching now your gift

Yes, it was from the woman in question. Frankly, I was like you my good woman were at the crux of that secret seething fit of rage. You get no part of this day. This is a day of mourning. I can't tell you what a relief that part was. I just shook her and her chicanery off. As far as I'm concerned subject verb agreement equals a pleasant platonic something....the lack of said agreement tells me something else is afoot and it may or may not be just a literary pretentiousness or it could be the want of something more...either way that lovely little nymph can blow me. Be the machine. There is more to life than chasing after masochists.

You're the only person I can say this to...after I work out...I am always kind of horny. I'm pretty confident that isn't something I could say to my instructor.

Hot little Morrocan

2006-01-23T21:08:00.000-05:00

When are you gonna get caught doin' a little sucky sucky in the matrimonial quarters?? This is such a marriage of convenience. Come on...how much is he paying you?? Is it worth it--to lay next to such a beauty knowing his ass will never put out? I'm just pissed. He is an incompetant barrista. I must say though I do love this coffee shop. Like it totally reminds me of Austin.

So I've been lovin' my Olivetti and the lomos. I gotta figure out a way to keep this capoeira thing going. I fucking love this shit. It makes me feel great! Great and horny! Who frickin' knew that workin' out had such plusses! Yeah something's gotta give.

I feel like my life is on the general up swing. I'm just feeling good. Even this insufferable crush is manageable and kind of fun, provided of course I don't brood too much. I am a very jealous soul. I think she senses that and kind likes it. Part of me wants to...never mind it doesn't translate that well.

Slow and steady wins the race, yes? Christ.

So can we talk about that delicious creature Samer for a moment. Goddamn it is he beautiful or what? Not just beautiful erotic too. Watching him with his lover this weekend was yummy. His need to be wrapped in the arms of such a man was palpable and maddening. More than once they caught me staring.

God, this barrista is such a little bitch. He's trying to close this shit early and is turning away business with his slinky ass actions. Nobody gives a shit about that ass in those jeans, you little sack. Arggh...

I'm gonna eat me some Pakistani food after this.

I ain't eitha...

2006-01-18T17:03:00.000-05:00

I should be cleaning up my desk, but I don't fucking feel like it. I don't know how people pull off full days of office work. Good christ. I think I've just rediscovered the most intoxicating and mysterious smell from my childhood in my hair. It's in my hair right now. I wonder oil the hairdresser used on my head. So my eyesight is getting better every day. It's really wild to think that I'll never need glasses the way I did when I was younger or uh...3 months ago. Existential revelation...hardly, but very fucking cool. I want to blow a wad of cash, but I don't know on what. I hate that feeling. So I saw this documentary about 'private security' contractors in Iraq being serious pains in the ass. But what's more...this private contractor business is also doing a shit ton of logistical work for the military...ie...the food...the crappers...the beds...this is what happens when you let a bunch suits take over. You mother fucks.

The Olivetti is back in action. It's so much fun typing on that thing. It makes me feel like a real writer. I've even been writing bad poetry about the one who shall remain nameless.

Skittish

2006-01-13T18:00:00.000-05:00

I frickin' hate the lesbitron nation. Good christ. I was rockin' this outfit last night that put out a number of gentleman's eyes and yet...and yet...the ladies...ice cold. Whatever...so I scored this new camera from the TV show. I took some photos with it over the weekend. Only 10 came out and they kind of suck but I'm puttin them up anyway because it was such a good day. An amazing day in fact. I was so happy. I am still that happy there's just no sunshine right now.

This woman...I can't name names, but I'm still taken by her. And she's taken by her memories and her heartache. What are you gonna do? People have been telling me as of late that I have walls up and that's why I'm terminally single with a tendency to go for the insufferably unavailable. I'd say this current object of desire falls into that category. Would it have mattered if I had met her first? She is a Taurus and I'm a Leo after all. There was like a 55% chance at a successful relationship according to the astrologers at Astroadvice.com, and these people have never been wrong.

Alright I gotta bail. I've got like my pre date interview for the TV show. This one hour developing thing is pretty cheap. The color splash lomo is looking like a winner. I also got a pop 9. That's gonna rock.

Here's to the long slow road

2006-01-10T15:02:00.000-05:00

Oh good christ it's been too long! Happy New Year. I'm still toiling away in gainful employment land. It's cool. I still love my job. You know what I wish I didn't love? A certain person that writes in an obscure pseudo poetic way. Some might say that it's an issue of subject verb agreement, but I say it's style. I built a book shelf over the holiday.

The Shake Shack

2006-01-06T23:41:00.000-05:00

What is that infernal beeping...

2005-11-28T17:19:00.000-05:00

And people wonder why in the modern age there have been a rash of crazies! That beep is going to fucking kill me. Goddamn the local cafe is becoming quite the hot spot. I feel bad that I have no intention of buying anything. That was weird. My post just got published prematurely. This cafe totally reminds me of Austin.

I really am missing Texas these days. I'm gonna try to get home for Xmas. It's feasible. I'm on track to be financially stable here in a month or so.

My new favorite cartoon is Squidbillies. I wish I had money. I'd like to eat some Pakistani food.

And what's up with this Cantenna business?? I gotta get one.

T minus 9 til I'm banging Kern. God, I wish. She's all het now, but we're still in communication. And you know what that means...hehehehehehehehe...

This Turkey day was very lethargic. I literally laid in bed the whole time. I really need to get home for the holidays...otherwise I'm just a lonely crazy person.

Blah blah blah....

Be Resolute

2005-11-23T11:08:00.000-05:00

Good christ...I can't be bothered with her. She doesn't stoke the lust nearly as much as baby angel. It is however a comparable lust. Really I shouldn't have opened my drunken trap. Whatever...I got the sense that she lied to me anyways. These goddamned youngsters. Kern is back in contact with me. Me likey. Me also likey the wonderful dead feeling between my legs when I make mention of her. There are no filth mongering thoughts...nothing...but a desire to chat with a friend. Crazy. I'm gettin' grown.

So this TV show is totally wild. I'm getting Lasik and a home makeover and maybe a personal trainer. They filmed me sleeping the other night. When I walked into my room I was taken aback. It was so weird and ultimately invasive. Like I was completely freaking out about whether or not they'd found my porn. They probably did. I knew they'd found the dope because I don't hide that shit worth a damn.

I also blurted out that I like white chicks. I've got mixed feelings about that...it's not exactly accurate but then again...

It's just someone's daughter

2005-11-17T18:22:00.000-05:00

Chairman Mao

2005-11-16T17:59:00.000-05:00

Women

2005-11-12T19:13:00.000-05:00

100 Strokes

2005-11-12T19:11:00.000-05:00

I dreamed of being the one...

2005-11-05T21:50:00.000-05:00

So my ex lover wants to be straight and not perverted. That really blows and makes me sad. My friend Rachel put it rather succintly ...she said that people that are truly fucked up are desperate to be normal. That's definately Jen....the poor soul. Do I feel l sorry for her?? Yes and no. I mean she was and is a self centered nutball, I will always feel a strange affection for her. No, not strange...truly genuine. We just can't stand one another. And while under normal circumstances that'd be really funny, we're not normal together or apart. Why am I so gutwrenched behind this revelation? I guess it's cause I know I've lost her....definately as a hot lay....and as a friend. It's too bad. It really is.

I have a cold. Boohoo...So I'm gonna be on the gay tv show. That's what's up! And I get paid. Double that's what's up!!! Woo woo!! I've also got to drive the Osama bin Publicolor van back to my place so I can drop it off tonight.

I want to go to sleep...

Oh good christ

2005-10-26T11:47:00.000-04:00

ok so I asked this woman out on the subway. no she was not a complete stranger...just kind of a stranger. I acted like a crazy person as I am want to do. we'll see how it all goes down. I seriously had been thinking about her all weekend and then bam...there she is on the train. I couldn't not ask her out...no matter how terrified...no matter how early...and yes it was before all of god and man. Here's the thing...she was so ambivalent...I think..l mean...what do I know about another soul on the planet.

Motherfucking Cingular...

2005-10-12T18:19:00.000-04:00

Don't ever let me catch a Cingular Wireless employee out at night. I will seriously fuck them up. You want to talk about indescrimate slaughter....ahh!! Those sorry cocksuckers. I'm not even going to go into the whole sordid tale, but I hate those fucks.

Anyway my super offered me 5g's to marry his brother. I have got to get out of that neighborhood. I love it and all but this is too much. Like 5G's means squat after two years of misleading la migra.

Guys I think I'm over NYC. Like seriously I need more action than this...and gainful employment is so fucking over rated. Good christ. Nothing is bringing me satisfaction these days. Not the dope. Not the beer. Nothing. I gotta do something really wild and soon.

I'm sniffin' around an ex again...really it can't be helped. I'm a salivating pervert and she is the stuff that needs. And pinche Friendster isn't helping. But it kind of is...one can now view who has viewed you. Very cool, but still whatever because there is ofcourse an anonymous option. So far 38 peeps have viewed my profile, but only 8 are willing to show their faces. Listen to me talk...I totally hit the anonymous option! Anyway, I think she's been sniffin' around too even though she'd be loathed to admit it.

The gig can blow me 8 ways from Sunday. What else is new?
I am re-reading this awesome book on the modern history of Afghanistan. Frickin' amazing. I'm not too convinces Afghanistan should have been a country, but what the hell we all only live once. Imperialism and a total disregard for law and order have really fucked those people. You know I've never really re-read anything before this soon, but it feels quite natural.

It's fuckin' pouring outside, and my phone is deader than a door nail. This means I cannot communicate with anyone. Namely, the folks I was suppose to have dinner with tonight. How fucking lame is that...and I lay the blame squarely at Cingular's feet. Those sorry cunts!

I was also reading this book called All God's Children about Willie Bosket the most dangerous inmate ever in NY Penal system. The book was pretty good, but by the end I was like ...ok ok...america doesn't like black people...black men especially...this kid had been treated like an unloved animal pretty much his whole life...but fuck it he was still a crazy pain in the ass. In all seriousness though it did give me some insight into the kids I work with and America's general love affair with violence.

Jesus working with middle schoolers...I always feel like I now kind of smell like pee all the time but that is because these little shits still piss themselves or something. The whole joint smells like piss. Mind you...I'd do the principal...she's a cross between that dykey coach in Porky's and any attractive older latina woman...it's weird. I'm weird.

Eh??

2005-10-06T23:39:00.000-04:00

You should see my fuckin' face right now...

2005-09-27T21:08:00.000-04:00

Guess who emailed me "out of the blue" at all of my known email addresses?? I told you people that woman is a slave to her cunt. In a matter of months our particular kind of cosmic chicanery will be back on. The fall is definately here. It's our time. I'm worked over from work. Ugh...just the very thought of it is draining. Gotta man up...and get a little mean if I need to...

The fall has got me thinking about that Tarot card reading...she was good...Dude I'm so broke...that cat's are eating tuna fish for the rest of the week...this isn't going to be pretty...well it's only until Friday...

Oh my my oh hell yes...too cold to cry

2005-09-20T21:15:00.000-04:00

Tom Petty. That's what's up. Lately the only thing that soothes me is country music. I listen to this badass internet radio station at work called GruenewithEnvy. It's a show based out of this small quaint town right outside of Austin Texas. I am really missin' texas these days. I think really I'm missing the novelty of NYC. Cause' lord knows the fucking novelty has worn off. Damn quite a few hotties at the local cafe...meow. Well except for her. She won't ever know that I'm writing this about her.

Fuck me on the dance floor. -- Princess Superstar. My love. I idol.

See, this is where audio blogs come in. I had a whole buncha shit to say minute ago. A minute being my walk over here...time doesn't exist. time doesn't exist. time doesn't exist.

Ok I'm over it.

Love the pursuit.
In prefering, i do.

Entro Minha Casa

2005-09-19T14:02:00.000-04:00

Call me Casuza from now on. I like that name. If I had an alter ego that'd be the name. Ok so I have an audition for the gay tv show this afternoon. So I'm leaving the office in like 30 minutes. Which means I'm going to blog and maybe shop for anime online. This 9 - 5 business takes some serious getting used to. Or maybe it's working for a socialite that's making me crazy. Today though went by very fast. And to be honest all the days after this are going to go by pretty quick too as I'll only be in the office half days. I need to follow up with one dude before I split. These fucking corporations...they want kids to beg, borrow, and steal for their shite and yet when it comes to helping out a good cause...they become the cheapest fucks on the planet!

This weekend was cool until I decided to hang out with the lesbitrons. Like when the fuck are the dyke dj's going to step out of the mid nineties and get some goddamned taste in music? It really offended me that not but 3 hours before I was dancing my ass off to DJ Spinna, DJ Rich Medina, and Bobbito only to cap off the night with .50 cent. You rat bitches! I am so sick of compartmentalizing my fucking life between gay and intersting. The whole fucking queer community is in the throes of mediocrity.

So I've got my eye on this hottie named A. I've learned my lesson about using full names. I feel like she might interested too, but she is my type so she just might be more intersted in being desired than actually desiring. That's fine. They always learn. hehehe...I'm such a salivating pervert. On Saturday I had like an extened sexual fantasy about this hottie. That rarely happens...turns out I'm about rag, but the fantasy was still hot none the less. I can't wait to see her Halloween outfit. Hopefully, it'll be as hot as I pictured.

I'm still terminally in financial ruin. Money...who gives a shit.

This is a picture of my friend Shannon. I might not ever see her again. She's keeping her ass on her side of the planet. That blows for me. She's very fucking cool and one of the first friends i had in NYc. She pulled a knife on me in my own house. It's way funnier than it sounds.

Ah hell I don't know...

2005-09-05T19:45:00.000-04:00

Starving...

2005-09-01T20:25:00.000-04:00

So I'm back in NYC, and I'm not feelin' too terrible. In fact, I feel fantastic. Gettin' out of NYC did wonders for my soul. Last night at APT was hot. The music frickin' bad ass. What's up with aggro bi black girls always trying to pull my hair? Part of me wants to be like...listen bitch you know fuckin' squat about toppin, ya hear...the other part of me is like stop talking trash to trash...

I've been resisting my toppy ways since I moved up here, but maybe I need to rekindle that energy....coz the liklihood of some piece in this town coming correct is slim...

I don't know if I mentioned this, but I had a fantastic tarot card reading in LA. I mean the lady was spot on. She talked about a jealous female air sign that really fucked me up...an immature fire sign that was an on again off again type thing...and apparently a gemini is gonna rock my world in a coupla weeks here...gosh I wonder who that could be...she also talked about my needint to open up and let go of the past...I was like whoa...

And it's true Angie was a very fucking jealous Libra who did some damage. Jen is a sag who can't handle the kink in the pretty pussy of hers...as for the gemini business...I've got no clue. And this summer has definately been about letting go of my pain surrounding Jen C. And in letting go of that pain...I'm also realizing that I want to move out of NYC and the US. The wanderlust is starting to burn.

But then I look around my neighborhood and coffeshop and apartment and my new friends...and I'm like...give this town a coupla more years.

God I really should go home and eat...but I like surfing the web too much. I don't konw if my rent is paid up and I haven't recieved the slip...so....I don't know...I don't have a bad feeling in my gut, so I think it'll be ok.

Seeing the ocean was so amazing...I need to live by water when I split.

I finally got film for my Holga...now I need to get into the habit of carrying it around with me everywhere. I swear to christ there were so many lomo moments in LA. It was shameful that I was so forgetful and ill prepared.

This Odwalla isn't quite what I had in mind.

Wish I Was Ocean Size

2005-08-27T22:51:00.000-04:00

Free Jazz...I think

2005-08-25T21:43:00.000-04:00

Christ, I've got so much to do tonight. And yet here I am goofing around at the cafe. It's almost ten. How depressing. So I'm reading the Fermanta. It's an amazing book. I'm also reading this 911 time line book. Very freaky shit man. The govt had their grubby paws all over that. Bush you sorry bastard...you and your boys have got blood on your hands. Is ruling the world that cool? Sounds like a big ol' pain in the ass to me. En plus, I think it makes you kind of perverted. Pervert. You give perverts a bad name. Bush, you're like that yellow bastard in Sin City. Stinky and nasty.

I saw this beautiful piece of furniture up the road today. God, I was so tempted to buy that shit. Lovely. I'm such a stoner. How many times do you have to remind yourself...do not talk to people when you're high.

Two weeks all to myself...gonna be nice. Just don't blow your wad.

Older than Young

2005-08-25T10:30:00.000-04:00

Puking Sucks...

2005-08-24T19:39:00.000-04:00

So check it...the owner of the hitherto unnamed company is flying me out to a large west coast city this friday. I'm not sure if I'm caught up on rent. I feel like I am. I made a budget and everything. Fucking thieving ass children. They mentally fucked up my flow. Anyway, I'm excited I've never been to the west coast...This is me as a lady. I must say I look damn good. You know what though...I'm still single to mingle. I keep thinking to myself I need to work out...keep a consistent style...but all of that takes...gulp...work. And you know how I feel about that sort of thing.

Like I was looking at folks on the train...and the young people my age are so beautiful and stylish. I feel my competitive hackles rise then...poof...I'm thinking about something else...like how I got totally fucking drunk Sunday night and ended up riding the fucking Q train from one end to the other twice! En fucking plus, at one point I wake up from my totally obliterated stated to see some cocksucker with his head between my legs jerking off...I kid you not. I haven't decided if I should be traumatized yet. The shit is kind of funny. Kind of. Now I look at all the skeevy black dudes on the subway and am ready to mutilate and deform. Like had I been in a more sober state, it probably would not have happened....but still I would have been ready to put my foot in his sorry ass.

And the hangover...good christ...I'm still soar from puking. Of course I woke up uber late for work and completely worked over. I had to leave early. I spent all of monday night sleeping and puking up bile. I'm seriously considering early retirement from drinking. Or really...goddamn free drinks at Moe's on Sunday nights....and don't mix pot brownies with booze...rookie moves...man rookie moves.

God the affection of a baby animal can fix anything.

Chelsea is a lovely neighborhood. Sugar mama o sugar mama where art thou and shit?
I was over this afternoon after work checking out some homage to graffiti. Like they re-created old school subway cars and had folks go to town on them. Apparently Bloomberg try to stop it, but you can't keep the people down. You can only limit their activities between this street and that.

I can respect that version of hip hop. This new fangled shit can blow me.

Internet dating...

2005-08-18T22:20:00.000-04:00

I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna try internet dating. Jesus talk about rock fucking bottom. Eh gads...I should go home and smoke some dope. But If I go home...I'm not going back out into the city....my friend Al who is moving back to MN called me to invite me out to Apt. my favorite fucking night club...and I'm sitting here wit my goddamn thumb up my ass...thinking to myself...oh well I have an 8:30 meeting tomorrow morning...goddamnit! I'm all gross from painting...and I think I started my period. Totally not in a going out mood...but Al's my boy.

Ok so I just cracked open another smirnoff ice. Carmen gets off work in an hour and a half...can you make it? I'm at Carmen's coz I'm baby sitting her kitten. I'm gonna have to buy Carmen smore Smirnoff Ices...she's actually got liquer proper at her crib...

So I've been thinking about cutting my dred locks off...I'm kind of over the look...I shaved off the sides, but still I'm ready to cut all of them off, but I've vowed to keep them until I was 30. It's a commitment thing.

SIgh...bored bored bored.

Damn the Man...

2005-08-16T21:14:00.000-04:00

I'm frickin' starving. Where is my Mexican food. Looks like Shandar might still be in my sights...

So I'm surfing butchfemmeblahblah.com, and came across an ex-lover. I'm kind of chuckling, but I'm also like Christ on the cross...Hi Liz. Hair modeling sounds cool.

AAAArgh! There had better be a dimunitive little Mexican man coming to deliver my quesadillas al pastor or there is going to be hell to pay! The waitress was being a total cunt...I shoulda known.....wait...wait...ok. It's here. I take it all back. It's the blood sugar you know..

God...It's real local Mexican food...which is to say...my quesadilla came on fried corn. And now for the nachos...much better...

So my wallet got stolen, and then it was miraculously found....I say miraculous triflin' coz these little girls I work with are bad and obvious...

God what a draining day...I barely made it out to Vox Pop. I'm very pleased with the Nachos...anyway....bad ass kids...but I'll be back tomorrow. Happily.

Low Light Nights

2005-08-14T21:49:00.000-04:00

I don't know if I'm hungry or not. That insufferable old Haitian is loitering about outside the cafe again. This time he's brought a friend. You cocksuckers can rot. I'm not in the mood. You guys...I think I'm getting over NYC. I can feel that knawing feeling I had back in Austin rearing it's head again. I gotta keep movin'. This time though I'm puttin' together a plan. I'm saving money.

I've been hangin' out Brazilian stylee...I went to a show. I had some delicious Brazilian food. Got advice about travel to Brazil from a nice family. The dad was kind of hot. Yes, I'm still a known homosexual. I just like lookin' at men.

I got some nice eye contact at PS1. Turns out she was too short for my liking, but the eye stuff was nice none the less.

I also found out a friend of mine is hookin'. It's best not to care, and just love the girl and the trip she's on. But I've secretly vowed to read her the riot act if shit gets out of control. I worry.

The cafe is about to close. I should rap this up. Still no word on the gay tv show. Considering how diar my sex life is...I totally need to get on that show.

Jen Kern. Grrr...you still make me crazy.

I need to get crackin' on the love letter thing. I gotta get a p.o. box. I think motherfuckers are stealing shit out of my mailbox.

Damn I can't shake this lonely sinking feeling. Last night on the way home I was in such a rage. I just kept flinging things out of my bag, disgusted with everything. Saturday nights man...they kind of fucking suck. Well really it was that damn Hungarian, Gugi...or some shit. What a demanding little piglet she was being. I think she's envious of Adriana. It seems like Gugi's got the pedigree, but Adriana got the class and noble blood. She's delicious. Gugi, ain't.

Brooke Shields is still beautiful fuck all the haters!

Pauvre Lola

2005-08-12T19:27:00.000-04:00

I found a week old kitten in the south bronx. My friend Carmen adopted the little lady. Right now I just put her inside my shirt. I figure it made her feel like she was back with her mama. God, that's the part that bums me out about kittens. She's like forever alone in the world now. She's asleep inside my shirt. She is so fucking cute. I like playing the moma. I think it suits me. So I saw this hottie in Soho this afternoon that I saw at my birthday party the other night. God is she lovely. She's a brunette version of Diana, and WAY WAY cooler. Me and god had a little chat on the subway this after noon about hooking me up with a hottie like her provided she's a known homosexual and likes her ladies butch of center and chub of center.It could happen. This week has been pretty cool at the gig. I've been doing alot of driving.

So I recently had a birthday. I called in a blog rolling my face off. I've decided that I'll be in nyc for another 2 -5 years, but then after that...I'm bouncing to another country.

2005-08-07T05:28:00.000-04:00