Friday, September 18, 2009

When they pulled her from the wreck she still had on her shades....

Ahem. I sent her a drunk email. It was well written save for one glaring typo. More to the point, it was heartfelt and pretty well thought out. Monster is a little to esoteric to get where I'm coming from on this. Truth be told, I feel ok and comfortable with the email. She was the only other person there to experience this remembering. Who devil else am I suppose to share this with? Aren't I too the bearer of this inappropriate indulgence that she may or may not be mum on? Save for texting and airplane fly overs any medium would suffice. I'm ok with disappearing. I choose not to dwell in these little calamities anymore. My demons are beginning to bore me. No more hoping against hope. But it is hard to let go of the pain. This time though, I feel buoyant. Present. Feeling. It's good. She just had to know.

So check this shit out...I'm doing the painting gig in my neighborhood! I can't tell you how proud and stoked I am. I'm about to burst. Some velvet morning when I wake. Lee Hazelwood baby! Yea! How sexy is that? Anyway. Shit. I digress. I am super excited.

I've recently come to realize that I am an insensitive self involved asshole. The thought made me chuckle all day yesterday. When I think about it, it's pretty much true. Not all the time, but when I stink it up I fucking stinking it up. I literally managed to annoy, piss off, vaguely offend at least 4 friends in the span of week. While I doubt that is blowing anyone's minds in terms of numbers, but for this little life it's kind of huge. Jesus. One more thing to work on. ;P

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Can't Sleep Again

*Sigh* What to do?! What to do!? I hate it when I get all despairing like this in the wee small hours. So much to think about, and really fuck all to think about. What's their to say about the one that got away? Did she? Didn't she? Why I am such an incompetent housekeeper? What is the next big move in life? Balls!

Truth be told I am still kind of reeling from what went down over the break. I'm not devastated and destroyed like I was the first time I realized timing beats love paper rock scissors stylee. But I am unnerved and kind of annoyed. Like I fucking get it LIFE. You're meaningless, and I shouldn't attach anything to these fleeting perfect human encounters. Cradle and love that time for the precious ephermeral thing it is. Yeah fucking yeah...I motherfucking get it. Go beat some other poor soul about the head and neck with your horseshit.

I laid there on someone else's couch watching her smile beatifically as she piddled in that tiny kitchenette. I looked at her and felt like we had been this for years, and then I thought to myself, "Is this what thos 8 years might have felt like? That we could be anywhere any time in the space time continuum, and it would always feel like this...magnetic...timeless... Was it love that I felt right then? Hell I don't know, but I know there was a magic, an intensity, and a heat that I won't soon be forgetting anytime soon. My question ( and in my heart of hearts I know the answer), is whether or not she felt that too. Truth be told, I think she did. But is this something I should pay attention to and will into fruition? Or let die on the vine. My mother says, that I should leave it alone...too complicated. Ugh...

In the moment I told her that we were like once a century comet. Great. That pretty much absolved her of any reason to think of us having a future. Now I want to renegade on that statement tenfold. At 31 I am very reticent to lay it all out on the line. I mean what is there to lay on the line? She's engaged, to hear her tell it on Myspace. ENGAGED. She lives 5 states away. No action. no night life. No boogie.

Pros:

After an 8 year absence from one another's lives it was on like donkey kong on some very important levels.

She comes from home.

She's adorable and has sex appeal off the charts.

She likes to dance. Well she's a dancer, but I could probably take her to a salsa party and do alright.

She doesn't care about material bullshit, eventhough she secretly loves it.

She's a good woman.

She's hot for me.

I am hot for her.

She loves hard.

I like her crazy.


Cons:

She lives like 5 states away.

She's living with her 46 year old lover.

I am a terrible housekeeper and financial manager.

Fuck it. I'm over thinking about this, atleast for now. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?!?!

You know, I would have been content just hanging out with her. I WAS content hanging out with her. It was top of the rock. The other stuff didn't need to go down if all I am left with is this insufferable wistfulness for something that never was. What a crock of shite!