Sunday, October 04, 2009
I got drunk one night and wrote this:
I am looking for an unutterably compelling, complex,
hilarious, deeply sexy someone to endure my company, share a
laugh, a bottle, some great food, and maybe a legendary romp
in the sack. I'm kind of particular about the order these
days, so no legendary romp action until I've known you for
atleast 30 days. Not for nothin', but it would be
smashing if you were into say, three of the
following: Joseph Campbell International
Affairs History Conspiracy Theories Books Cycling Lord
of the Rings Dive bars Runnin' the streets Rich
Medina/DJ Spinna/Cinematic Orchestra Wild At Heart Madden
We'll see...we shall see...
Friday, September 18, 2009
So check this shit out...I'm doing the painting gig in my neighborhood! I can't tell you how proud and stoked I am. I'm about to burst. Some velvet morning when I wake. Lee Hazelwood baby! Yea! How sexy is that? Anyway. Shit. I digress. I am super excited.
I've recently come to realize that I am an insensitive self involved asshole. The thought made me chuckle all day yesterday. When I think about it, it's pretty much true. Not all the time, but when I stink it up I fucking stinking it up. I literally managed to annoy, piss off, vaguely offend at least 4 friends in the span of week. While I doubt that is blowing anyone's minds in terms of numbers, but for this little life it's kind of huge. Jesus. One more thing to work on. ;P
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Truth be told I am still kind of reeling from what went down over the break. I'm not devastated and destroyed like I was the first time I realized timing beats love paper rock scissors stylee. But I am unnerved and kind of annoyed. Like I fucking get it LIFE. You're meaningless, and I shouldn't attach anything to these fleeting perfect human encounters. Cradle and love that time for the precious ephermeral thing it is. Yeah fucking yeah...I motherfucking get it. Go beat some other poor soul about the head and neck with your horseshit.
I laid there on someone else's couch watching her smile beatifically as she piddled in that tiny kitchenette. I looked at her and felt like we had been this for years, and then I thought to myself, "Is this what thos 8 years might have felt like? That we could be anywhere any time in the space time continuum, and it would always feel like this...magnetic...timeless... Was it love that I felt right then? Hell I don't know, but I know there was a magic, an intensity, and a heat that I won't soon be forgetting anytime soon. My question ( and in my heart of hearts I know the answer), is whether or not she felt that too. Truth be told, I think she did. But is this something I should pay attention to and will into fruition? Or let die on the vine. My mother says, that I should leave it alone...too complicated. Ugh...
In the moment I told her that we were like once a century comet. Great. That pretty much absolved her of any reason to think of us having a future. Now I want to renegade on that statement tenfold. At 31 I am very reticent to lay it all out on the line. I mean what is there to lay on the line? She's engaged, to hear her tell it on Myspace. ENGAGED. She lives 5 states away. No action. no night life. No boogie.
After an 8 year absence from one another's lives it was on like donkey kong on some very important levels.
She comes from home.
She's adorable and has sex appeal off the charts.
She likes to dance. Well she's a dancer, but I could probably take her to a salsa party and do alright.
She doesn't care about material bullshit, eventhough she secretly loves it.
She's a good woman.
She's hot for me.
I am hot for her.
She loves hard.
I like her crazy.
She lives like 5 states away.
She's living with her 46 year old lover.
I am a terrible housekeeper and financial manager.
Fuck it. I'm over thinking about this, atleast for now. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?!?!
You know, I would have been content just hanging out with her. I WAS content hanging out with her. It was top of the rock. The other stuff didn't need to go down if all I am left with is this insufferable wistfulness for something that never was. What a crock of shite!
Thursday, August 27, 2009
So uh...8 years later it was still hot as the damn devil between us. Yes me and the ex hooked up last night, and it was stellar. Ethically challenged, but fucking stellar. I'm not torn up, but I am wistful. She's pretty much the exact kind of woman I need. The last few days we spent together was amazing, powerful, and fun. I was surprised by how much she moved me. Like seriously, 8 years ago we were nothing more than a month long hook up. Super hot, but not anything that I thought would re surface 8 year later. Of all the people that I had hoped against hope to see once more, she was the last person I thought that that would be. Sure, I thought about her over the years. She's got the most gorgeous eyes, and making love to her was supreme, but ephemeral. In my mind, she had been relegated to the 'hot college lovin' file in my brain. Now what? Now I have got a whole new set of hot memories to chew on for god knows how long. Oh hell yea, I want to see her again. Hopefully, next time the timing ie she's not in some May-December romance with a 46 year old will be better. I will absolutely give her a run for her money if our path cross again in this life time.
Oh as for the internet date action...yeah that fizzled. surprise. Date #2 included two of her sweaty fucking friends. Fuck that. Fuck her. That was the wackness. Thankfully, the 30 day rule was in play mentally so it's no skin off my nose to be relegated to the friend zone with this one.
And yes, ol' girl from out of town completely destroyed the 30 day rule thing, but does she count when it comes to that rule? I mean this all came as a total surprise, and she wasn't a prospect.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Saturday, August 15, 2009
So I was re-reading this blog as I am wont to do, and I noticed that this whole thing with Side Show was a really long time ago. Admittedly, as of late I can attest the human's capacity for time travel. I was right back in that shit storm not but last week, and it was not of my doing. That is to say that I didn't send a suspiciously errant text message. She did. I should have just left it at delete my phone number. I got sucked in, got all anorexic again, and woke up crying on my birthday. Fuck that. Nothing has fucking changed. SHE'S THE WACKNESS.
So any way I had a very sweet charming internet date last night. The whole thing came as a surprise, as my forays onto Craigslist usually bely a boredom of some sort. I responded to an ad, and the lovely lass is perfectly normal. We exchanged a few emails and met up last night. It was loose, fun, and VERY candid. I was blushing during certain points of the conversation. We also had mutual friends in common. That was actually key in a lot of ways. One could do some more indepth vetting. I certainly think we are attracted to one another, but my 30 day rule is effect. Truth be told, I am already kind of sweating bullets. Last night certainly could have ended on a more heated note than the chaste kiss on the cheek I gave her. I did good on that tip, but good christ! I've been turned on all day. Cool...Never underestimate the heady thing that is self-deprivation. I am chomping at the bit to break my own rules day 1! But one must keep a cool head, eyes on the prize. En plus, she's into seeing multiple people at once. I don't like to share, so this is double dog why I should just keep the little sex dwarf down stairs on a leash until I feel it's ok to do it emotionally. Really I just need to know the person is cool. So far so good.
My friend Delywn is coming in town. I wonder what he wants to do? I have got to clean this apartmento once and for all. It's do or die Sunday. Dude...I need to get my tv scene right. Football is back on the scene, baby!!
Thursday, July 30, 2009
I'm feeling pretty good these days. I'm gettting out more, and generally doing a lot of self care. It's cool. I'm about to turn 31 next week. A week from right now in fact. And so time marches on, steady stoic unrelenting until it takes the big sleep. I saw this crazy looking old lady this afternoon that made me wonder what changes this body will go through as it ages. I don't mean crazy like crackhead crazy, I simply mean a sublime reduction of a human. It wasn't pleasant by any stretch, but amazing and cool none the less. Like what will my voice sound like at 68? Will this staccato still be firing? Will my voice get deeper or super reedy like it's been stretched in outerspace? Fucking inquiring minds want know. I think it's gonna be fun. For now though, I want to focus on the super secret black ops mission of my 30's. There is a lukewarm skirmish taking place in my mind and soul about my relationship to love and sex. I mean, in my 20's it was all about making up for lost time. All the plotting and scheming of my childhood and adolescence finally paid off, and I totally could not have told a such a tale unless I lived it.
If I am honest with myself, love was an afterthought. I was all about fucking. There some noted exceptions to that practice. Maya comes to mind. She was precious. We were babies. But mostly, I wanted to taste it all. And I did. The price was steep. I'm kind of boneheaded romantic. My attitude was if the sex or chemistry was spectacular, then we were destined for something great and extended. I was willing to endure their company for the great sex thinking, eventually they'll get it. I failed to fucking realize that you actually ALSO need to like the person in a Rumi and Shams of Tabriz kind of way to be able to truly endure their company. I put the emphasis on 'also' because great sex is still numero uno. I am just realizing that I need to take time to get to know someone. That is to say, to truly be present when encountering and engaging a person with whom you share a sexually charged tension, as opposed to a thinly veiled feigned interest in whatever drivel is coming out of their verdant over ripe craw...biding one's time until you taste of flesh again. Once the heady stupor of sexual arousal has worn off, there is only the individual. And if the individual sucks or is not fucking getting with the cosmic love program, then your emotional world will be a shit strewn train wreck for atleast nine months after the last time you got it on with the person. FUCK THAT. If I take 30 days to get to know these foxy ladies first, I can root out the riff raff. I mean I can obviously go a hot loooong minute without sex, so hold out for another 30 days next time you meet a hotty. I think it'll be worth it.
Friday, June 26, 2009
So MJ died today. It's wierd but inevitable,no? Death comes closer and closer every day. I'm not saying that to be macabre. Quite the contrary. I did some dancing in Club Casa to honor him and his work. I inten to do some more in the near future.
The future...atleast he doesn't have to fret about that shite anymore.
Anyways, I'm learning guitar and it's been amazing so far. I obviously still suck to be damned, but practice makes John Coltrane. That fiend would practise for le 12 hrs a day. I try to remember that.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
My god! This job with the cougars! There is now ANOTHER one in the office that rocks pantyless pilates pants to work. I haven't had a clean thought at work in weeks. The hair...the wiggle...it is too freaking much. Oh yeah she's also wicked smart, a total Yankee WASP Irish stylee and I quote "a professional barfly".
Christ! I've been going on ad nauseum about the coug, I totally forgot to mention that I amputated the tip of my pinky! If I could up load a photo of the wound when I was in the ER I would. The shit was bananas! It's been fascinating to watch my pinky heal. The body heals in concentric circles. The nub is coming in nicely. The nail will be ghastly forever more I fear. I'm looking into custom jewelry for the pinky.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Saturday, March 21, 2009
It's good to sit here and wonder if fate is too busy for you and your horseshit. I don't have to work tomorrow and don't feel like going home. All I'm gonna think about is the fact that I am enamored with a married woman who gently teases me the way one would a 12 year old crushed out on the baby sitter. My god! I
can barely get three words out around her. She truly is one of the beautiful people. If her life were off by a molecule I would make it a point to have her, but alas that molecule configured the way it did. She's married and straight, and I'm the drunk american lesbian that shadows her every move from the bar stool in the corner. Enivrante et forte.
Why can't you upload photos to blogger from your iphone? I'm wearing a really hilarious sailor's hat. Why a sailor's hat? Because i am the captain of this ship!
Thursday, March 05, 2009
Fuck I don't know I'm laying off people for a while.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
I'm supposedly meeting m. next week for some evening activity. We'll see. All signs point to the same old shit sans sexual tension. Which could equal boring. I don't want to be an impatient meathead, and I hope she isn't wildly full of shit. There's like a 30% chance this will even be pleasant. Just promise me you'll dip out if the wackness does rear it's head...
I'm thinking about taking muay thai classes. Let's put a positive spin on that masochistic energy! And yes that delectable cougar is into it. Truth be told, that's reason #4675 why I shouldn't go to that gym. I'm not a beautiful preening animal yet. Who the fuck wants to see a piggy sweat?
Ugh tomorrow looms. I'll be alive but wanting more.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
I wanna go eat NYC up
Friday, February 13, 2009
You know, you've got these far flung friends and you think of them from time to time and you hope all is well and usually it is. She was doing what she loved, and was married. Two things I remember us talking about on our long walks all over this town. I also remember her descibing a typical Taiwanese elementary school day while climbing rocks in central park. I remember her laughter, her effortless style and beauty. She was truly a friend. We easily created a space in ourselves to cradle one another's hopes, dreams, and memories. Those walks were saving graces.
In the back of ones mind you fear a moment like this. You're the friend from another time and place. We weren't fixtures in one another's lives. We were fondly remembered friends whose names and stories flickered briefly in anonymous ephemeral conversations where it was understood that one would never meet Verushka's friend WanChen and vice versa. How long would I have been ignorant to this loss? How long would my far flung friends being ignorant of my death?
Wan Chen you are light and love. I will cherish the precious time I spent with you here for as long as I live. Thank you. I love you lady.
Sunday, February 08, 2009
The gig is slowly becoming the wackness. It's not the kids or the work. It's managing the hysteria that's becoming the hassle. Who in the needs more cash if this is trade off? I need a new adventure, and I want it to be international. It's time...
Thursday, February 05, 2009
on a separate note altogether, a professional development trainer told me that she thought I was an awesome person and said we could talk out side of work. Very exciting this afternoon, but here in the wee small hours I'm a little less bright eyed and bushy tailed on the matter.
It'll be nice to be home again.
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
These days I work out. Or ride my bike. That's how you beat that little blue devil. You fucking endure. Tomorrow for tomorrow!
On another note entirely...I think love is afoot in the white house. Yea! Barack and Michelle looked so goddamned beautiful. It was inspiring.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
So we swore in Obama today. I did happily did all the patriotic shite one does on occasions like this. I stood, pledged allegiance, and sang the national anthem. For once it meant something. I still wished someone would streak or something. What a great fucking feeling! I really hope someone plays pfunk in DC.
I've also decided that I would totally do Michelle. The underbite is hot to me now.
Thursday, January 08, 2009
So it has Been a year to date since I've last blogged. I've thought about it quite a bit over the last year. I stopped mostly becuase my friends were up my ass with a flashlight about the way I walk through this world. Whatever. I'm a chatty cathy. I'm working on it.
I can't sleep tonight. The mint tea was proably not the lick.
I turned 30 over the summer. That has been a quietly amazing experience. I'm carrying the largesse and intensity of my energy with a shade more grace. I am proud of the fact that I can be a role model to young people, especially gay young people. Seriously, that TV show I was on has done fuck all for my love life, but it's been an amazing way for young people to reach out and say, "Me too."
I still on occasion still fret over that someone, but I know it's best I go on as if I never knew of her existense. Words like so much toothpaste that can't be put back in the tube have flown between us. C'est finis.
*grin* I frickin love my iPhone. There can be no emotional turmoil to put me in a snit, therby gauranteeing ultimate death, doom, and destruction for whatever electronic device in my possession.
I guess that's it for tonight. It is well past my bed time, and tomorrow is going to be a barn burner too.