Sunday, October 04, 2009

Dream on Dreamer

OM freaking G!! Autumn is easily the sexiest season. First ol' girl in Minneapolis, then the wildly sexy brilliant assistant principal at one of the school's I work with. Um me and that chick hooked up last Friday, then proceeded to have a 3 day hang out that by turns was unnerving, sweet, drunken, shy, but never forced. Too much really. I mean, I had to have the bartender unhinge the god damned bathroom door to get her passed out person out of there. Frankly, it was completely bananas and just the sort of horseshit I find comfort in. I saw her at a really raw moment and took care of her. That's me. That said, she put herself out there saying that she liked me and wanted to hang, got WAY sloshed day 2, and then wakes up day 3 only to reminded by a very annoyed Bff/roommate that some strange trick put her drunk pukey tail in bed and woke her up because you wouldn't get out of those cold wet puked on clothes. For all of the bravado, no one is feeling thrilled with them self after some shit like that. I can completely dig why she may have run for the hills this week. But fuck it, shit like that happens all the time on this planet, and certainly in my world. I like her. She has everything I want in a girl and more. She loves college football. Not as maniacally as I do, but she loves Ohio St. She's very smart, charming, beautiful, complex, funny, messy, and cool as fuck.

I got drunk one night and wrote this:

I am looking for an unutterably compelling, complex,
hilarious, deeply sexy someone to endure my company, share a
laugh, a bottle, some great food, and maybe a legendary romp
in the sack. I'm kind of particular about the order these
days, so no legendary romp action until I've known you for
atleast 30 days. Not for nothin', but it would be
smashing if you were into say, three of the
following: Joseph Campbell International
Affairs History Conspiracy Theories Books Cycling Lord
of the Rings Dive bars Runnin' the streets Rich
Medina/DJ Spinna/Cinematic Orchestra Wild At Heart Madden

We'll see...we shall see...

Friday, September 18, 2009

When they pulled her from the wreck she still had on her shades....

Ahem. I sent her a drunk email. It was well written save for one glaring typo. More to the point, it was heartfelt and pretty well thought out. Monster is a little to esoteric to get where I'm coming from on this. Truth be told, I feel ok and comfortable with the email. She was the only other person there to experience this remembering. Who devil else am I suppose to share this with? Aren't I too the bearer of this inappropriate indulgence that she may or may not be mum on? Save for texting and airplane fly overs any medium would suffice. I'm ok with disappearing. I choose not to dwell in these little calamities anymore. My demons are beginning to bore me. No more hoping against hope. But it is hard to let go of the pain. This time though, I feel buoyant. Present. Feeling. It's good. She just had to know.

So check this shit out...I'm doing the painting gig in my neighborhood! I can't tell you how proud and stoked I am. I'm about to burst. Some velvet morning when I wake. Lee Hazelwood baby! Yea! How sexy is that? Anyway. Shit. I digress. I am super excited.

I've recently come to realize that I am an insensitive self involved asshole. The thought made me chuckle all day yesterday. When I think about it, it's pretty much true. Not all the time, but when I stink it up I fucking stinking it up. I literally managed to annoy, piss off, vaguely offend at least 4 friends in the span of week. While I doubt that is blowing anyone's minds in terms of numbers, but for this little life it's kind of huge. Jesus. One more thing to work on. ;P

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Can't Sleep Again

*Sigh* What to do?! What to do!? I hate it when I get all despairing like this in the wee small hours. So much to think about, and really fuck all to think about. What's their to say about the one that got away? Did she? Didn't she? Why I am such an incompetent housekeeper? What is the next big move in life? Balls!

Truth be told I am still kind of reeling from what went down over the break. I'm not devastated and destroyed like I was the first time I realized timing beats love paper rock scissors stylee. But I am unnerved and kind of annoyed. Like I fucking get it LIFE. You're meaningless, and I shouldn't attach anything to these fleeting perfect human encounters. Cradle and love that time for the precious ephermeral thing it is. Yeah fucking yeah...I motherfucking get it. Go beat some other poor soul about the head and neck with your horseshit.

I laid there on someone else's couch watching her smile beatifically as she piddled in that tiny kitchenette. I looked at her and felt like we had been this for years, and then I thought to myself, "Is this what thos 8 years might have felt like? That we could be anywhere any time in the space time continuum, and it would always feel like this...magnetic...timeless... Was it love that I felt right then? Hell I don't know, but I know there was a magic, an intensity, and a heat that I won't soon be forgetting anytime soon. My question ( and in my heart of hearts I know the answer), is whether or not she felt that too. Truth be told, I think she did. But is this something I should pay attention to and will into fruition? Or let die on the vine. My mother says, that I should leave it alone...too complicated. Ugh...

In the moment I told her that we were like once a century comet. Great. That pretty much absolved her of any reason to think of us having a future. Now I want to renegade on that statement tenfold. At 31 I am very reticent to lay it all out on the line. I mean what is there to lay on the line? She's engaged, to hear her tell it on Myspace. ENGAGED. She lives 5 states away. No action. no night life. No boogie.


After an 8 year absence from one another's lives it was on like donkey kong on some very important levels.

She comes from home.

She's adorable and has sex appeal off the charts.

She likes to dance. Well she's a dancer, but I could probably take her to a salsa party and do alright.

She doesn't care about material bullshit, eventhough she secretly loves it.

She's a good woman.

She's hot for me.

I am hot for her.

She loves hard.

I like her crazy.


She lives like 5 states away.

She's living with her 46 year old lover.

I am a terrible housekeeper and financial manager.

Fuck it. I'm over thinking about this, atleast for now. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?!?!

You know, I would have been content just hanging out with her. I WAS content hanging out with her. It was top of the rock. The other stuff didn't need to go down if all I am left with is this insufferable wistfulness for something that never was. What a crock of shite!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Like Whoa

So uh...8 years later it was still hot as the damn devil between us. Yes me and the ex hooked up last night, and it was stellar. Ethically challenged, but fucking stellar. I'm not torn up, but I am wistful. She's pretty much the exact kind of woman I need. The last few days we spent together was amazing, powerful, and fun. I was surprised by how much she moved me. Like seriously, 8 years ago we were nothing more than a month long hook up. Super hot, but not anything that I thought would re surface 8 year later. Of all the people that I had hoped against hope to see once more, she was the last person I thought that that would be. Sure, I thought about her over the years. She's got the most gorgeous eyes, and making love to her was supreme, but ephemeral. In my mind, she had been relegated to the 'hot college lovin' file in my brain. Now what? Now I have got a whole new set of hot memories to chew on for god knows how long. Oh hell yea, I want to see her again. Hopefully, next time the timing ie she's not in some May-December romance with a 46 year old will be better. I will absolutely give her a run for her money if our path cross again in this life time. 

Oh as for the internet date action...yeah that fizzled. surprise. Date #2 included two of her sweaty fucking friends. Fuck that. Fuck her. That was the wackness. Thankfully, the 30 day rule was in play mentally so it's no skin off my nose to be relegated to the friend zone with this one. 

And yes, ol' girl from out of town completely destroyed the 30 day rule thing, but does she count when it comes to that rule? I mean this all came as a total surprise, and she wasn't a prospect. 

Monday, August 24, 2009

I'm tight

I feel like I'm on episode of elimi-date. Do you remember that show? Seriously, I'm kind of put off. Who is this riff raff she's dicking around with? My god, variety is not the spice of fucking life. Listen, this is why the 30 day rule is full effect. No more getting the milk before the buying the cow. I did something of a full court press on Friday and Sunday, but what evs...You can't go into Tuesday night with a shitty attitude. I say tomorrow is the perfect day to go to the beach. Today, you should clean the apartamento.

Goddammit. I'm tight. tight. tight. tight! Ignorance is bliss.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

My Iphone is frozen to be damned....

Chemistry is a motherfucker. Had a serious. hot. sexy. blast from the past blow through town. We just got through hanging out. Oh, it was all still there to be sure, but we are grown ups now. We honor our commitments. In my case, to the self. In her case, to her relationship. For every "breath" she let out during the course of our hanging out, could have been a devestating orgasm had we not had our wits about us. Blasted wit! She's still got the most amazing eyes ever. The cool thing is that I genuinely like her. Her intensity is intoxicating. It seems like she's been actively working to spin that intensity in a positive way, but it's all still there. delish!

It's been a good distraction re: Va. I sent her a flirty text, and got bubkus in return. I'm trying not to fret. Only Tuesday will tell the tale. I kind of want to put out already, but I have got to keep a cool head. This always happens! Yes...yes...yes! There are heaps of dirty thoughts floating about, but all in good time. goddamn phone is frozen to be damned! I just put in the freezer. We'll see if that helps. I wish I was at Les Enfants Terribles.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

We're not to expensive, but you've got to pay...

You're such a street walker....Thank you Kool and the Gang. You are my secret sexy cool fun time.

So I was re-reading this blog as I am wont to do, and I noticed that this whole thing with Side Show was a really long time ago. Admittedly, as of late I can attest the human's capacity for time travel. I was right back in that shit storm not but last week, and it was not of my doing. That is to say that I didn't send a suspiciously errant text message. She did. I should have just left it at delete my phone number. I got sucked in, got all anorexic again, and woke up crying on my birthday. Fuck that. Nothing has fucking changed. SHE'S THE WACKNESS.


So any way I had a very sweet charming internet date last night. The whole thing came as a surprise, as my forays onto Craigslist usually bely a boredom of some sort. I responded to an ad, and the lovely lass is perfectly normal. We exchanged a few emails and met up last night. It was loose, fun, and VERY candid. I was blushing during certain points of the conversation. We also had mutual friends in common. That was actually key in a lot of ways. One could do some more indepth vetting. I certainly think we are attracted to one another, but my 30 day rule is effect. Truth be told, I am already kind of sweating bullets. Last night certainly could have ended on a more heated note than the chaste kiss on the cheek I gave her. I did good on that tip, but good christ! I've been turned on all day. Cool...Never underestimate the heady thing that is self-deprivation. I am chomping at the bit to break my own rules day 1! But one must keep a cool head, eyes on the prize. En plus, she's into seeing multiple people at once. I don't like to share, so this is double dog why I should just keep the little sex dwarf down stairs on a leash until I feel it's ok to do it emotionally. Really I just need to know the person is cool. So far so good.

My friend Delywn is coming in town. I wonder what he wants to do? I have got to clean this apartmento once and for all. It's do or die Sunday. Dude...I need to get my tv scene right. Football is back on the scene, baby!!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

The Back of Beyond, indeed...

I'm feeling pretty good these days. I'm gettting out more, and generally doing a lot of self care. It's cool. I'm about to turn 31 next week. A week from right now in fact. And so time marches on, steady stoic unrelenting until it takes the big sleep. I saw this crazy looking old lady this afternoon that made me wonder what changes this body will go through as it ages. I don't mean crazy like crackhead crazy, I simply mean a sublime reduction of a human. It wasn't pleasant by any stretch, but amazing and cool none the less. Like what will my voice sound like at 68? Will this staccato still be firing? Will my voice get deeper or super reedy like it's been stretched in outerspace? Fucking inquiring minds want know. I think it's gonna be fun. For now though, I want to focus on the super secret black ops mission of my 30's. There is a lukewarm skirmish taking place in my mind and soul about my relationship to love and sex. I mean, in my 20's it was all about making up for lost time. All the plotting and scheming of my childhood and adolescence finally paid off, and I totally could not have told a such a tale unless I lived it. 

If I am honest with myself, love was an afterthought. I was all about fucking. There some noted exceptions to that practice. Maya comes to mind. She was precious. We were babies. But mostly, I wanted to taste it all. And I did. The price was steep. I'm kind of boneheaded romantic. My attitude was if the sex or chemistry was spectacular, then we were destined for something great and extended. I was willing to endure their company for the great sex thinking, eventually they'll get it. I failed to fucking realize that you actually ALSO need to like the person in a Rumi and Shams of Tabriz kind of way to be able to truly endure their company.  I put the emphasis on 'also' because great sex is still numero uno. I am just realizing that I need to take time to get to know someone. That is to say, to truly be present when encountering and engaging a person with whom you share a sexually charged tension, as opposed to a thinly veiled feigned interest in whatever drivel is coming out of their verdant over ripe craw...biding one's time until you taste of flesh again. Once the heady stupor of sexual arousal has worn off, there is only the individual. And if the individual sucks or is not fucking getting with the cosmic love program, then your emotional world will be a shit strewn train wreck for atleast nine months after the last time you got it on with the person. FUCK THAT. If I take 30 days to get to know these foxy ladies first, I can root out the riff raff. I mean I can obviously go a hot loooong minute without sex, so hold out for another 30 days next time you meet a hotty. I think it'll be worth it.


Friday, June 26, 2009

I fucking hate typos

When I re - read my shit, I'm like fuck... learn your words.

So MJ died today. It's wierd but inevitable,no? Death comes closer and closer every day. I'm not saying that to be macabre. Quite the contrary. I did some dancing in Club Casa to honor him and his work. I inten to do some more in the near future.


The future...atleast he doesn't have to fret about that shite anymore.

Anyways, I'm learning guitar and it's been amazing so far. I obviously still suck to be damned, but practice makes John Coltrane. That fiend would practise for le 12 hrs a day. I try to remember that.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Drunk as a skunk

It's Friday night and I've got my good on.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Memorial Day Weekend

God, I love these bad little cats. They are permanent hairy four legged toddlers that like eating my plants and breaking shit. Beasts! Speaking of beasts I need to go feed Bruce. Ugh.

My god! This job with the cougars! There is now ANOTHER one in the office that rocks pantyless pilates pants to work. I haven't had a clean thought at work in weeks. The hair...the is too freaking much. Oh yeah she's also wicked smart, a total Yankee WASP Irish stylee and I quote "a professional barfly".

Christ! I've been going on ad nauseum about the coug, I totally forgot to mention that I amputated the tip of my pinky! If I could up load a photo of the wound when I was in the ER I would. The shit was bananas! It's been fascinating to watch my pinky heal. The body heals in concentric circles. The nub is coming in nicely. The nail will be ghastly forever more I fear. I'm looking into custom jewelry for the pinky.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

It's time

Emails are the death node to my budding relationships with women. Christ. I genuinely thought this one was cool. I'm feeling like i am looking over a precipice these days. What's the next 10 years gonna look like? It doesn't really matter if i don't start getting good at the small shit. I've got to get good at the long littleness of life. Maybe that's the lesson in being 30. There is alot more life to lead.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Ginger's or I'm the captain if this ship.

I'm sitting at Ginger's trying to sober up for the rest of my ride home. I know a bar is an odd locale to sober up, but it's working. Buncha goddamn subnormals, and I love every one of their faces. This is dykedom as I've come to grow fond of eventhough I want something different for my life and loves.

It's good to sit here and wonder if fate is too busy for you and your horseshit. I don't have to work tomorrow and don't feel like going home. All I'm gonna think about is the fact that I am enamored with a married woman who gently teases me the way one would a 12 year old crushed out on the baby sitter. My god! I
can barely get three words out around her. She truly is one of the beautiful people. If her life were off by a molecule I would make it a point to have her, but alas that molecule configured the way it did. She's married and straight, and I'm the drunk american lesbian that shadows her every move from the bar stool in the corner. Enivrante et forte.

Why can't you upload photos to blogger from your iphone? I'm wearing a really hilarious sailor's hat. Why a sailor's hat? Because i am the captain of this ship!

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Do you people see something I don't?

Apparently yes. Namely this goddamn train. Ok so I was way off about the trainer. NEVER listening to my dude co-workers again. Pero tu sabes que? Ella tambiƩn era otra. She gave off total friend vibes. Whatever I'm apparently destined to never meet a decent female sort in this town. One split back down under and the other is my nyc bff. I was hopin to talk to old girl about Joseph campbell, but no she has to be like every other person in this wicked little town. Mind you this also plays into my fear of befriending straight women. I'm always fearful that they think that I ha nothin but ill intentions for their body. Ok maybe I fear that they are mind readers or that I'm THAT transparent.

Fuck I don't know I'm laying off people for a while.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

One of those nights...

I don't know what the next adventure is going to be, but it's time I start kickin up some dust to see what gives. Peace Corps? Teaching? Love? Balls! What?

I'm supposedly meeting m. next week for some evening activity. We'll see. All signs point to the same old shit sans sexual tension. Which could equal boring. I don't want to be an impatient meathead, and I hope she isn't wildly full of shit. There's like a 30% chance this will even be pleasant. Just promise me you'll dip out if the wackness does rear it's head...

I'm thinking about taking muay thai classes. Let's put a positive spin on that masochistic energy! And yes that delectable cougar is into it. Truth be told, that's reason #4675 why I shouldn't go to that gym. I'm not a beautiful preening animal yet. Who the fuck wants to see a piggy sweat?

Ugh tomorrow looms. I'll be alive but wanting more.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Jump and funk.

Hot for a 40 yeAr old straight woman? What is this? Sophomore year of college? Balls!

Saturday, February 14, 2009

My Bloody Valentine

Well not so bloody, just alone. It's not awful, I'm just remembering my posture. My new sexy bra is forcing the issue. As usual I'm more of a porker than I want to admit. But whatever I feel great, and I look great tonight.

I wanna go eat NYC up

Friday, February 13, 2009


I just found out that my friend Wan Chen died in a horrifying bike accident in London. She's been gone now since September, but I only found out tonight flippin around on Facebook.

You know, you've got these far flung friends and you think of them from time to time and you hope all is well and usually it is. She was doing what she loved, and was married. Two things I remember us talking about on our long walks all over this town. I also remember her descibing a typical Taiwanese elementary school day while climbing rocks in central park. I remember her laughter, her effortless style and beauty. She was truly a friend. We easily created a space in ourselves to cradle one another's hopes, dreams, and memories. Those walks were saving graces.

In the back of ones mind you fear a moment like this. You're the friend from another time and place. We weren't fixtures in one another's lives. We were fondly remembered friends whose names and stories flickered briefly in anonymous ephemeral conversations where it was understood that one would never meet Verushka's friend WanChen and vice versa. How long would I have been ignorant to this loss? How long would my far flung friends being ignorant of my death?

Wan Chen you are light and love. I will cherish the precious time I spent with you here for as long as I live. Thank you. I love you lady.

Sunday, February 08, 2009

Fucking Calvados!

I can't lie give me the drunken throbbing crush of the les enfants masses over the rest of the shite going down in NYC tonight. Admittedly, I was better off in bk tonight but I was feeling obligated to make it out into the city. Since I'm here I may as well make the most of it.

The gig is slowly becoming the wackness. It's not the kids or the work. It's managing the hysteria that's becoming the hassle. Who in the needs more cash if this is trade off? I need a new adventure, and I want it to be international. It's time...

Thursday, February 05, 2009

Grand Street

Christ what an emotionally exhausting day. Totally my fault but fuck it! M called last night. Thankfully I missed the call. The message was wildly whatever. I've no need for her friendship if this is what her friendship looks like. Besides all my true friends are like fuck that chick. I don't feel that way, but her voicemail speaks oodles and boodles towards her atitude towards me and power dynamics in general. She's never read Story of O and I've never made my piece with being a masochist.

on a separate note altogether, a professional development trainer told me that she thought I was an awesome person and said we could talk out side of work. Very exciting this afternoon, but here in the wee small hours I'm a little less bright eyed and bushy tailed on the matter.

It'll be nice to be home again.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

The Blackness

I frickin' love black people! This Wattstax doc reminds of home. I had to come to NYC to feel all that. We're world wide too. I have this massive crush on a French African woman named M. Her beauty is so tender and delicious! Evervescent bubbles of sexy are popping off her person everytime does a little jaitinho between people. She is thrilling. I can't take it...en plus I haven't been this attracted to a black woman in a long time. Well I suppose M counted, but she was such a confused viper about the whole thing. So uh...guess whose got a thing for mixed black identified women? That'd be me. Guess who sussed out her 'im not into black women' dilema? That'd be me too. The other M is happily married to a sweet beautiful man. I'm just the drunk American lesbo that she catches admiring her on occasion. She's wonderfully gracious about the whole thing, but it makes me squeal like a little girl! Christ, why can't she be gay? Or single? Ideally both. If the truth be told, my attraction to her is directly proportional to unavailability. Nothing new there. If I even got a whiff of homoness and not marriedness I would pursue with maximum intensity. I should really remember to take a breath right here. Slow burns are good too, no? The future is now and the simmering feels good. Its enough to drink her in from afar. Im even sparing in that. I only see M every now and then. Now that I think about it there's no ring to speak of...oh will you stop?! All of this hullabaloo from a hug and a hello.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

one bourbon, one scotch, and one beer

I frickin love John Lee Hooker. How many times have I uttered a comparable phrase to my local bar keep? These days I'm trying stay dry and get to the heart of the matter. I'm straightening up and flying right my way. I recognize the obligation to endure life, and usually I'm 'bout it 'bout it'...but good Christ is it hard! I completely and totally understand where cutters are coming from. It is sheer glorious madness to choose to live. This shit hurts!

These days I work out. Or ride my bike. That's how you beat that little blue devil. You fucking endure. Tomorrow for tomorrow!

On another note entirely...I think love is afoot in the white house. Yea! Barack and Michelle looked so goddamned beautiful. It was inspiring.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

The Winter of my discontent

I used to think that phrase was bleak and gray quote, but now I'm looking at it a little differently. It's the last season of my dark night of the soul. Things are looking up.

So we swore in Obama today. I did happily did all the patriotic shite one does on occasions like this. I stood, pledged allegiance, and sang the national anthem. For once it meant something. I still wished someone would streak or something. What a great fucking feeling! I really hope someone plays pfunk in DC.

I've also decided that I would totally do Michelle. The underbite is hot to me now.

Thursday, January 08, 2009

A year to the day...

My cats seem to think they are sleeping with me tonight. I'm the one with the opposable thumbs dammit! The bed is mine.

So it has Been a year to date since I've last blogged. I've thought about it quite a bit over the last year. I stopped mostly becuase my friends were up my ass with a flashlight about the way I walk through this world. Whatever. I'm a chatty cathy. I'm working on it.

I can't sleep tonight. The mint tea was proably not the lick.

I turned 30 over the summer. That has been a quietly amazing experience. I'm carrying the largesse and intensity of my energy with a shade more grace. I am proud of the fact that I can be a role model to young people, especially gay young people. Seriously, that TV show I was on has done fuck all for my love life, but it's been an amazing way for young people to reach out and say, "Me too."

I still on occasion still fret over that someone, but I know it's best I go on as if I never knew of her existense. Words like so much toothpaste that can't be put back in the tube have flown between us. C'est finis.

*grin* I frickin love my iPhone. There can be no emotional turmoil to put me in a snit, therby gauranteeing ultimate death, doom, and destruction for whatever electronic device in my possession.

I guess that's it for tonight. It is well past my bed time, and tomorrow is going to be a barn burner too.