Thursday, December 16, 2004

My god when will I learn that the ladies of NYC are unutterably full shit?! I won't get into the gory deets, suffice it to say that my old logic still holds true. You must shave one off from the heard. And friends happen when they happen. The rest of it is just feeling around in the dark. I'm so hungover. I went to this cool bar last night called Union Pool. It was in Billyburg, and as much as I've been a hater toward the's actually alright.

Friday, December 03, 2004

New Dinosaur discovered in Brazil. I'll be damned. I haven't been online in a minute. I'm enjoying it immensely. Life has been good. I've been working reallly hard lately. I'm happy. Jesus, I feel like we're polite strangers or something.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

It always feels like it's been ages since I've visited this site, but really it's only been 10 days.

Now that I'm a little further removed from that Halloween night, I'm still blown away by Livia. And Diana can blow me. She's a beautiful chicken shit square.

So lately I've been secretly suspecting that everyone I party with thinks I'm an alchy. I'm like listen you's Saturday night, and I just got off work. Give me my cocktail and a joint or give me death. Besides, I'm making haste while I'm still young. I gotta right...lousy fucks.

Like are any of them there when I'm reading fuckin' Plato in bed? Or when I'm left incredibly pensive after seeing an amazing documentary on some freak scene from the past?? Hell no! And yet they want to judge. Fuck 'em.

So my best friend and her husband are supposed to be moving up here. They said they wanted to be up here by the end of November. That day is fast approaching. I'm not holding my breath though. I really want to have some people that get me up here, but I feel like I'm being kind of a baby on that tip. I'm the only person that needs to get me, dig??

Me and my baby angel are back on. I'm going down to DC to visit after the New Year. I'm gonna fuck her brains out. Just keep a cool head...she likes being snuck up on. hehehehe....

She and I have got the most fucked up sexual chemistry, and I love it. I don't EVER want to stop fucking her. And to be perfectly frank, I secretly suspect she feels the same way.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

God what a weekend. Two hot chicks rubbing their pussies against my leg Saturday night. A strange emotional betrayal and witching hour redemption on Sunday I said a helluva weekend.

Bush has one the presidency. What in the holy fuck. I feel so betrayed by my motherfuckin' country men right now. My friend Margarita is right we are in the midst of a culture war and the Dems are a band of pussies.

I could have loved you Diana. I still want to, but had to choose that cromagnin dyke with the under bite. I hope it's love with a face like that, but I doubt it. You don't love her. I doubt she even makes you wet, but whatever ...enjoy. I'm on the back of beyond.

I'm so low right now.

Sunday, October 24, 2004

She's involved, but came to say hello anyway. I asked her if she was in love, she just squeezed my arm, made a face, and then walked off. At the end of the night I asked her if I was barking up the wrong tree. That's where she told me she was involved, and that the timing was off. Screw timing we are talking about love. Like watching her with the person she's involved cubes give off more heat. There was no chemistry between them. None.

I did find out that she's a Lutheran and sings in the church choir. Good god. I should read up on these Lutherans.

I didn't think she was going to come out last night. I was happy and annoyed at the same time when I saw her. Happy because I saw her. Annoyed coz she was with that yeti. Mind you, I bear no ill will toward that person; I'm just like that's my scat!

I swear to christ I have never felt this way about someone before. And I've certainly never reacted this strongly to an obvious stranger. I'm not crazy this woman could be a total loser bitch, but I just know she's not and that we're meant for each other. Apparently love at first sight really does happen.

I'm the Prince and she's the fox. I'll tame her yet with patience.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

It's been a while. The party was a success, but the pretty Nordic blonde was MIA. I knew she wasn't gonna show. *sigh*

An image:

An image :

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Oh head! Fucking store meetings are so bogus. Band of ass kissing fascists. Anyway, I'm having a party tomorrow. Hopefully it'll be something of a rager. And the people that I don't want to show up definately are not showing up. Woo Woo! Trust, my feelings are not hurt that they'll be partying at the Hudson Hotel.

I just finished this book called The Traitors by John Briley. Apparently he had something to do with Cry Freedom and Gandhi. I remember those two being pretty fantastic films. This book was pretty amazing as well. Talk about capturing the humanity in war and all that that entails. I found this book randomly on the street in Manhattan. It was big and looked interesting. The Traitors did not disappoint. I love picking up random books. Tonight I'm going to start on Plato's The Republic good and proper.

I'm working with Fly Magazine. That is an endless source of fantastical joy and profound frustration. This magazine has such potential, and yet...there is one particular short-sighted individual that is driving me batty. Actually after this blog I need to email this person and let them know what's up.

Looks like I can buy 9 1/2 Weeks the novel waiting til January 2005. Here's a goal Verushka...get another fuckin' job by then. Christ on the cross.

Thursday, October 07, 2004

Christ on the cross, the computer is giving me fits today. I'm miserable with the thought that I may have turned off Lady X before anything has been turned on.. Oh woe is me...woe is me! Like if she doesn't show at the party, I'm going to get sooooooo blotto. *grin* or as Peaches likes to say...Fuck the pain away. Just kiddin' I hate casual sex. My friend Alvin seems to think I've fucked that particular situation for good, like the only person who can help me now is god. I hope for my sake he's just a dower old German married dude.

Love is a cold and broken hallelujah...Leonard Cohen and Jeff Buckley...tell it like it is...

God, just give me another chance with her...please. No bullshit.

You would think that loitering around the offices of a non prof where a friend works would be a ok, but I'll be damned if the higher ups around here think I'm one of the crazies they help with lightening fast typing skills.

So a "friend" of mine told me the other night that he didn't know if he could be friends with me because I'm 'into' white women. What the fuck does that mean?? Does Skittle's mantra "Taste the Rainbow" only resonate with me and me alone?? I don't fuckin' hate myself because I haven't dated a woman of color in years...who gives a shit...while I won't go as far as to say pussy is pussy...but we all have the same parts and lords knows they all taste good. Hehehehehehehe...

The lust in my heart could give a flying fuck about color. The lust in my heart responds to something a bit more primordial.

Check this shit out...I've a friend who has known that he was HIV positive since 2002, but he hasn't told his best friend from high school and college. His reasoning?? She lives out of state. All these pseudo revolutionaries cum yuppies all know about my friend's status, but his real friends?? One like I said doesn't know...and I found out randomly from another mutual friend. Someone he met up here in NYC. Who gives a fig about the people up here. Did they see you grow from the gangly queeny 14 yo to the man you are today?? Fuck no...but they get to know what's up with you. I'm really hurt and angry behind this whole thing, but I have to hold my tongue because revealing his status would be way more of a shithead thing to do than his not saying anything to one of his closest friends. That's queer life for ya. I mean, I always felt like our generation (I'm 26) would know better...use out meaningful loving monogamous relationships...the whole shebang....but hasn't gone down like that one iota.

Saturday, October 02, 2004

So I got majorly hammered last night, and was a complete aggro jealous meathead with Lady X.. En plus, I got to work 3hrs late. I hated seeing her flirt with all these other fucks. Save for my drunken state I was the hottest piece there. I am so taken with her, and normally my jealousy is totally manageable. I may snarl to a friend about my feelings, but with her it just kept erupting. The booze was not helping.

I wonder if I loved her in another life. I wonder if I'll ever see her again.

There's more to this, but I gotta git.

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

When it rains it pours. The interview went relatively well, but he said he wanted someone with garment experience. I'll find out by Friday, what the ding dang is. Just now my boss at the retail hell gig told me that I'll be getting a pay raise on the next check. So if I don't get the Admin Assistant gig, I'll atleast be making $12/hr now. *grin* That's not a terrible situation, no? I'm so drained right now. All day I've felt torn, and right now I have to go meet with Sec about Fly magazine. I should get a move on, where is Spring and Lafayette?? Well I know where it's at, but I wanted to be walking in a different neck of the woods. *grin*

I can't wait to go home and smoke...well I can't actually...I'm going to Erin's (the girl who hooked me up with the interview) for Scrabble, hopefully she'll have some dope there...

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Site hits jumped from 9 to 42 in a matter of a week and a half. God, today has been a day. I left my keys to the crib, completely forgetting that I have to open the store in the morning. That really threw me off. I just was not in the mood for work. Then I was overwhelmed by oscillating neuroses. First, I was freaking because I wanted a gaurantee from Christ himself that Lady X was going to show at my party, then I was like 'Oh for godsake she's got the whole queer nation on her jock, pray tell what have you got to offer you broke ass pigeon head?!' Those kinds of racing thoughts leaves one exhausted. En fucking plus, the day went by so slow today. Then I find out that the DJ I lined up for my party double booked. So now I may have to toss the dice with craigslist or go back on friendster and beg for a DJ. *grumble* Like I said it's been a day.

I have got to stop being such a chicken shit and start pounding the pavement again for gainful employment. AA was not suppose to be a permanent gig. Good god. But on a lighter note, the meeting last night with the Fly Magazine Staffers went well. I still don't know what the fuck I'm doing for Fly as the Marketing/PR Coordinator, but it was a good meeting none the less. Sec touched on some points that I'd been wanting him to address for quite some time. Namely, centralization of the operation. We bloody well need office space. Also, I may intern for America magazine. Apparently it's some hip new fangled POC type magazine. The marketing lady there emailed me back today saying that she would ask around for me. That was pretty cool.

Oh my fucking god!!!!!! So my friend Erin just called me with an admin assistant gig that would start monday. I go in for the interview tomorrow at 9am. Fuck yes! God give me the gig so I can give these mother fucks the bird! Ok let's see what happens. Keep a cool fucking head! I know I know...there are finances to worry about. Timing is totally everything!

Sunday, September 26, 2004

I love the band American Watercolor Movement. They're based out of Jersey, but I saw them at the Mermaid Parade or some shit on Coney Island. It's like the soundtrack to my fantasy bohemian life here in the city. I would love to hang out at a party of theirs. So the new issue of Fly Magazine is out. It looks great. But I want to see my efforts in the mag, I'm gonna talk to Sec about that tomorrow when I see him. This magazine has got so much potential. I wonder if this magazine will rescue me from retail hell. Like the owner of the company is now takin' suspect fotos of 15yos and calling it exploring sexuality in advertising. Did the sentence before last require a question mark?

I'm so not feelin' gainful employment on this Sunday. Really I would like to sleep.

So I'm planning a party for the 15th of October. Yes's just a rouse. I needed to create a venue for another meeting with Lady X. There's no guarantees, but that's no reason not to do it. It's been a while since I've talked this crazy, but Lady X could be another addition to the pantheon of archetypal goddesses. Looks like I'm still puttin' the ladies on a pedastal. But not really, because the moment I'm about to start hyperventilating over Lady X, I think to myself...well does she look like the type to spit a beer on you while your touching yourself for her? Or would she let my fuck her on her knees, not pumping her hips until I give the word? Like I know nothing about her except what my body and the ether around my body is perceiving about her body and her ether. I trust that perception. I just can't trust her mind or soul as readily. I think I learned that much with Cotto.

My mom's in town with my stepdad. She thinks he's cheating. I really hope not. I totally consider them my parental units, you know? Like it's always them that are there for me.
She's really hurt behind this too. It's manifesting in a migraine every morning. Christ, I really hope Clarence didn't do it.

On a lighter note...yesterday I made a complete ass of myself in front of this Irish couple. The guy was talking about how walkin' in NYC was killin' him. I was like, "I hear ya...if you're not used to walking around town, by the end of the day you're comin' back to your hotel on bloody stumps." Turns out dudener had a titanium knee cap and plastic knee cap respectively. Christ on the I an asshole or what?!

Friday, September 24, 2004

And to think!! And to think I was secretly gnashing my teeth and beating my breast at a percieved blunder in timing. Like when Lady X said let's meet at "Ballin' With My Bois" did she mean the preview weekend or the actual opening weekend? I sat out on the West Side piers chuggin' a shiraz mentally preparing for a gross miscalculation in the looks dept. or a total no show. She showed, and looked fanfuckingtastic. God help me.

So I found out that insufferable beauty's name. Harumph. Lotta damn good it did. Apparently, I'm going to have to call on the spirit of Cool Hand Luke for this one. It wasn't the beer goggles, she really is a stunner in all the ways I dig. Here's the thing though, I can't be bothered with playing chase. To be sure I want her something fierce, and it's been a long time since I've felt this way, but still...if she wants it she can come over and get it. *grin* I love the bravado post shameless come on from the night before. I mean it though...I'm not some dime a dozen piece of bangtail to be relegated to the 'we run in the same crowd' load of shite. Oh, I still have all intentions of hittin' the scene like a fiend...I'm just going to call on the Spirit of Cool Hand Luke before hand. Hopefully, that'll be enough.

So this morning I made the transition from dreaming to waking in the strangest way...I could have sworn I saw the phrase "Pimper's Paradise" flashing on my alarm clock. That was pretty hilarious. I'm so not a pimp.

I should prolly split soon so I can smoke le'herb before mumsy gets home. I must admit, I was totally high today after last night. I'm just not about being all mysterious and shit. Transparency is the name of the game for me. Apparently, that's not hip in this freak city. You know what else I've realized...I am a totally jealous soul. Maybe that's the dark irrational side of romanticism. Maybe?? totally is.

I'm going to leave off with the lyrics of Jeff Buckley's "Everybody Here Wants You"....

Twenty-nine pearls in your kiss, a singing smile,
coffee smell and lilac skin, your flame in me.
Twenty-nine pearls in your kiss, a singing smile,
coffee smell and lilac skin, your flame in me.
I'm only here for this moment.
I know everybody here wants you.
I know everybody here thinks he needs you.
I'll be waiting right here just to show you
How our love will blow it all away.
Such a thing of wonder in this crowd,I'm a stranger in this town, you're free with me.
And our eyes locked in downcast love, I sit here proud,
Even now you're undressed in your dreams with me.
I'm only here for this moment.
I know everybody here wants you.
I know everybody here thinks he needs you.
I'll be waiting right here just to show you
How our love will blow it all away.
I know the tears we cried have dried on yesterday
The sea of fools has parted for us
there's nothing in our way, my love
Don't you see, don't you see?
You're just the torch to put the flame to all our guilt and shame,
And I'll rise like an ember in your name.
You know I, you know I,I know everybody here wants you.
I know everybody here thinks he needs you.
I'll be waiting right here just to show you
Let me show that love can rise, rise just like embers.
Love can taste like the wine of the ages, babe.
And I know they all look so good from a distance,
But I tell you I'm the one.
I know everybody here thinks he needs you,thinks he needs you
And I'll be waiting right here just to show you.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Christ, it's cold. I just took some sudafed, so I'm all fucked up. I hate pseudoephedrine. I hate the way it makes me feel all speedy and loopy.

So Katie may be moving back to Algiers with Sofiane. They're just not diggin' the US scene. En plus, the govt is dragging it's feet on his paperwork. Fuckin' Homeland Security my ass. The damn president is in league with devil himself and yet the average citizen is getting treated like a fuckin' leper.

Was there ever the America I knew and loved?? What exactly am I pining away for?? Yet another illusory ideal??

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

I can't believe only 9 people have been to I actually can believe it, but I'm in denial.

So I had an interesting weekend. I nibbled on some pretty blonde's neck at a queer POC party. For whatever reason at different points during the night we both refused to give one another our names. Supposedly I'm supposed to see her at some potentially horrible play about butches and the femmes they love. Reticent is a word I feel like using right now.

You know, I don't mind being poor. I just shouldn't depend on my mom so much. Other than that, being poor is fine by me. It keeps one on their toes and makes life a little more flavorful. Besides, it won't always be like this. Really it won't.

I saw Ghost in the Shell 2 last night. It was pretty cool. I don't know how I feel about this digital animation craze, but the montage shots were amazing. I just wish I had gotten more stoned before going.

Ok so back to this cutie at Sweet Sessions...she was wearing Gucci Rush. Now, I don't know if I've told you that Gucci Rush is like my favorite scent on a woman, and that that has alot to do with the fact that a certain midwife in the Bronx rocked that scent a few years back. Anyway, I'm a sucker for the Gucci and a pretty blonde. Here's the thing tho...I was completely shit faced, as I'm want to do at that fuckin' fascistic scene. And while I remember pretty much everything, my intuition is all shot to hell. I have no clue as to whether or not she's actually interested, or if she was just as drunk as I was.

Oh what a desperate soul I've become.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

I was going to talk about something pretty interesting, but I forgot it from last night to today. I started riding the crimson wave yesterday. So now I'm miserable until I get home. My weekend starts today. I can't wait to get internet service back at the crib. But first things first, I'm breaking down and getting a celly. God help us.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

So this morning got off to a lame start. First, this old Russian cunt wouldn't give me a spot on the train, and then I get to work and someone dickhead threw out my food from the day before. Soooo bogus. I'm feelin' better though. The fall is coming on. Sometimes even in spite of old Russian cunts, I'm blown away that I live in NYC.

Monday, September 13, 2004

Real Genius is a great movie. You know, the movie Top Gun was very telling about the celebrity competition between Val Kilmer and Tom Cruise. Val had the skill, but Tom had that something.
This weekend was pretty cool. I missed an awesome party. Baby Phat was throwing something. This is exactly why I love this town. I wish I had some weed right now. What I would give for a little puff on the hash plant.

Sunday, September 12, 2004

Texas won. Thank christ. I tried my hand at a cheese sauce last night. I don't know how well it went. It was tasty, but it looks kind of gross. I'm pretty convinced I don't know how to make cheese sauce. And I'm doubly confident that maybe I shouldn't substitute coconut milk for regular milk. It's just too risky.

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

I really don't have much to say today, but I feel like I should because think blogging is good. I saw this fantastic documentary last night about the Watts Music Festival back in the 70s. Folks back then heralded it as the Black Woodstock. I'll be damned if the music wasn't fantastic, but I wan't down with the male chauvinist/male ass kissing that was going on. I still have beef with Black men I guess. The women were beautiful...and the god the fashion...I so need a fuschia suit with short pants. En plus, I need to rock the suit with tasteless jewelry and white knee high boots.

What kind of style do you have? How do you express yourself through clothes?

I also saw a documentary on 911 and the twin towers. That's still pretty intense.

You know what else I was thinking about? Mother Love Bone's "Chloe (Crown of Thorns)".
I remember when I had gotten back to Austin from my time in NYC, I had put this song on and felt the end come to that fleeting painfully beautifully alive affair. I couldn't accept it at that point, but when I looked back on that moment. The memory of that emotion was so clear.

I'm proud to say, that I won't forget the time laying by her side.

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

It's beautiful outside, but a bit on the muggy side. En plus, I smoked a spliffy in the park. I've been having strange dreams lately. Like in one dream, I felt someone watching me while I slept. That dream freaked me out enough that I go to sleep with a big ass kitchen knife under the bed. Then last night I was listening to these freaky short stories being read over the radio. It wasn't even so much the stories as it was the damn background music that gave me the heebeegeebees.

I'm going to live abroad. Who knows maybe I'll meet my wife abroad.

Sunday, September 05, 2004

Am I an inadvertant morning person now?? I have no trouble getting up at 6:45am. I saw a bunch of great gangster flicks this weekend. Things To Do In Denver When You're Dead and Goodfellas. I would like to take inspiration from those flicks. The romance, the articulate violence...all of it. Ditto for the Woody Allen flick Manhattan. I'm so over hangin' with folks who hate on romantics. There was this great line in Things To Do In Denver When You're Dead where Andy Garcia's character is telling his beloved of the time before he laid eyes on her. He said he was a man with a fork in a sea of soup. I'm totally paraphrasing but it totally wrung true at the time. It still does.

Thursday, September 02, 2004

Damn the public libraries and their time restrictions. I had a whole blog going, but then I forgot to save it. So what happened to my so-called writing career?? God only knows. I'm so over gainful employment. I feel like I've got beef with everyone, yet I'm feeling rather chipper. Tomorrow is going to be a hardcore day, I'll be getting no sleep behind protesting Bush's pesky ass. It's for a good cause right, en plus...maybe I'll smoke a little dope tonight. My connect is in Atlantic City gambling. As much as I'd like to think that I'll everually give up le''ll never happen. Looks like I'm takin' the A train uptown tomorrow.

The ego is a motherfucker.

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

It's over. Summer is over. Tommorrow I will have been here a year. Remember sitting in Thompkins Square Park crying bitter sweet tears because you were finally back in this insufferable city? You had kept your promise. To yourself. And to Jen, not that it mattered anymore. She's just a ghost in this town. Now here we are a year later, and while it's been devoid of sex, I can't really complain. It's been a pretty spot on first year. Hopefully, in this coming year I'll get laid. My god.

Speaking of bogus ass blue balls...the Patricia Charbonneau look alike at work is about to be transferred to another store. So I'll pretty much never see her again. A bummer. If hadn't of been such a twat about our mutual attraction we might have actually become friends. Or not, who the fuck knows in this town. Faces and souls are like drops of water in the ocean here in Sin City.

Oh yeah, the pinche cabrĂ³n Republican National Convention is in town. I didn't go to the protest on Sunday. I just wanted to loaf around the house. Does the revolution have room for loafers?? I was feeling morose at having missed the Mos Def/Me'shell Ndegeocelo concert due to a blasted night of beer and cockteasing the Thursday before.

Have I talked about the corporate lawyer hottie (ish)? Oh whatever...she's yet another ultimately unvailable piece that most likely is not worth sweatin' bullets over. But still...she's sexy, and kind of good at runnin' a stream filthy sex talk in one's ear.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Dude, my friend Alvin is all over the net in that fucking get up. I love it. I think I may be an inadvertant morning person. My mood has improved exponentially. En plus, cooking is my new fun. Last night I made butter chicken. Tonight I'm going to make 16 bean soup. I have to use up my celery and carrots. Then I'll make spaghetti sauce from scratch. Mind you, not all in the same night, but you get the idea. My word for today is disengenous. I hope I spelled that right. I'm going to try and blog more often. Back to disengenous...that's my word for today because it dawned on me that that was what this woman with whom the sexual tension exists is being. Christ, what a sentence. She's being disengenous. She's attracted to me, but called me out in a shitty way about my attraction to her, and yet she still tries to buddy up to me in this touchy feely way. It's bogus. She's bogus. And as god as my witness if I ever get the chance good and proper, I'll tell her as much with all the piss and seed in my soul. Ok breaks over.

Monday, August 23, 2004

What good is sexual tension?? Bah humbug! There is always lust in my heart. Retail hell is better, but whatever I think gainful employment is not my thing. Anyway, there is this woman. I can't name names, but there is some stupid sexual tension. She totally called me on it the other night. I believe "I know why you're laughing at me, it's because you find me attractive. That's not my problem", was what she said. It's in those moments that I wish I was capable of snappy come backs. Alas, I suck at that shit. Here's the thing. I know she's attracted to me too. En plus, her girlfriend is a fucking pipsqueak. It's so maddening to see these hot chicks go for fucking Jane P. Dorks. Hey, I'm a dork too, but I've got sex appeal.

I'm definately curious to see what happens, but prolly like normal nothing will fucking happen. What is up with sex and this city. I'm convinced that the reason the dudes here are so aggro about the cat calls and shit is because nobody is fucking getting any. There I go...projecting my neuroses on to the world but fuck it. You only live once.

Went to a pretty cool rager this weekend. I almost got my drunk ass kicked by this black dude because I kept referring to him as gay for pay. Ok, my break is so over.

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

So I had a birthday over the weekend. I'm 26 now. I really wanted to rage this weekend, but nothing jumped off and all my dealers were in trouble with the law. Drinkin' is so passe. I need to find a new gig. The unutterable shame of retail hell is becoming untenable. Besides, I would like to start decorating my apartment since I'm going to be living there another year. I have totally made my piece with that place. The light is so lovely in the twilight.

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Context Context Context. I'll be damned if Jamie isn't rather sexy in her book teacher mode. I should make this quick considering she's in the other room. I don't have the ups I used to. I was defeated in an impromptu who's-got-the-highest-ups contest. I lost. I didn't feel too bad. I'm not very athletic anymore. had a one night stand Sunday night. It was so whatever. But it still kind of turns me on to think about. She was a geeky frisky little thing. What's up with my being the geeky dyke magnet in this city. This was not in the motherfuckin' script. And yet...and yet it's been fun and I'm startin' to flex the sexuality muscle. I may be back in the saddle just yet.

I'm watching this Anime called Lain. It's very interesting, and giving me incredible insight into kid's minds. The internet has kind of warped their fuckin' heads is what I'm thinking. Like I'm watching their life philosophies develop. Woo..Yowsa...these kids are on next shit. I mean shit their drug use consists of nano oscillators that fuck with a certain hormone output. Weird. Ok so Jamie's been over here twice. I gotta go.

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

So I've been reading this book called The Magos. It's kind of heavy, but has some good bits. Here we are mid-summer and I'm feeling alright about life. Shit ain't easy these days, but I'm having a good time. Pride weekend was fan fucking tastic. Sex and drugs and rock n' roll!
I hung out with this beatiful Kiwi tranny and her sm lesbian lover while rollin' on E at 7 in the morning somewhere in South Slope Brooklyn. I love Less Than Zero Type moments, except for when I realize that I am a complete ninny, and not nearly as sexually adventurous as I'd like to think. I did get some though at this club called Apt. Some aggro drug addled faghag had her way with me. Best House music in town. The crowd is great. There's like an in house drug dealer. Thankfully he's 'in love with me' and happy to buy me cocktails and hook it up with toots on occasion.

So I've been hanging out with this guy named Markus. We work at the same retail hell. He's beautiful in a Joe Dellesandro type way, except for the fact that I'm not Andy Warhol and he's a reformed good ol' boy of sorts. Just the kind of HTX folks I love. He was the one who took me to Apt. to begin with. He's interesting. I can't quite put my finger on it...we're still feelin' each other out. Like when we're drunk there's no tension, just honesty and red blooded fun...but at's weird. It's been a long time since I've been friends with a guy. I can't describe the's just weird.'s moot. He'll be at the SoHo store from now on.

I still haven't gotten laid in this insufferable town. That little make out session at Apt. hardly counts, it just let me know I'm still alive and I've got a pussy. I want some real action off a hot older femme type. I mean what the fuck is the point of living below the poverty line in the most glorious of Imperial cities and not scoring any hot ass off the pervy monied ladies?

Alright the library is about to close. I need to hit up before I split.

Sunday, June 27, 2004

So it's the end of the month the end of the day, and I'm tore up from the floor up. A little southern parlance for your reading pleasure. what do you people think of the phrase 'dental abandon'?? I think it's quite funny. I'm rolling so this missive will have to be short. My attention span is waning. I had some really cool conversations tonight, and I'm still in love with Chitra. She knows I want her. She is so cruel. I love it. I love her.

Thursday, June 03, 2004

So I'm still in financial ruin, but I'm realizing that maybe this is plight of my generation. Goddamn baby boomin' motherfuckers. This'll have to be quick, I'm at a public computer and I took 15 minutes writing an email to my friend Cory. Oh it's not the end, it just feels like it.

I need a pet.

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

So I'm still in retail hell. The rest of my life has fallen into complete shambles. For a couple of weeks I was living absolute darkness. The electric bill hadn't been paid in a while. Neither had the cable or phone bill. You know, I'm bitching but I've been really happy as of late. Looking forward to my future in NYC. Today however, I'm in a wretched mood. Like I want this mag thing to jump off, but I'm not in control.

Oh check this shit out...I got hit on while at retail hell. Some geeky older dyke asked me out for a beer. I said yes. We ended up making out. Her directness was a turn on. Directness always is. She's got no ass what so ever, but she's a good kisser. She's 36, and has her own psycho therapy practice. Gestalt therapy...whatever the fuck that means. I told her we're going to have sex, but I don't think that's going to happen. She is so not my type, and I'm coming to terms with the fact that I am a total lookist. And yet...and yet...I get bent when people are fucked up toward me on that same tip.

Christ, it's just a fucking job. Just make sure you get your fucking raise and your health insurance out of these insufferable twats.

Sunday, April 18, 2004

So I saw that women I'm secretly in love with out last night. It was intense, because I had gotten pretty fucked up before I left my house, because the trains take forever, and better to be fucked up and sitting on a train than not at all. Anyway, since I was so fucked up my body was freaking out. There is this quiet hum in my head. All the cells in my body were at attention and straining towards her. Ofcourse, she'd come because her lover was there. Mind you, her lover was there some piece of ass from Jersey. They were all very pleasant with one another. My beloved was openly affectionate with her primary partner and chatty with the young woman. All very well adjusted non-monagamous crap.

As per usual I was the blithe drunk butterfly of the evening. I chatted,danced, flirted, but really it was nothing more than a rigorous excercise in self-discipline. She had to stay on the periphery of my party scene. I know I fixate. Every once I was in a while I would give myself a treat and let my eyes devour her. She can't exist to me. She 'is' who I get involved with on a mythical scale. That is to say that if there were a mythology to be created around my life, there would be a pantheon goddesses that took me down strange roads that all pointed to me. I want to worship her. What I want from her has got nothing to do with reality. This is an other worldly lust, that's where the simmering in my belly, and the hungry eyes comes from. Red looks so good on her. And she's into polyester.

I definately am lingering over the few times we chatted and had a coupla smokes. I picked her brain about stuff in her life that she had never spoken of to me. Looking back, I wonder if she found that curious. I realized what I was doing in the middle of talking to her, but honestly I couldn't help myself. I am so curious about her. Thanks Google. She said she was exhausted she's busy with her work and her art. She's got something up at the Brooklyn Museum of Art. That museum is truly lovely, I wonder if it's done yet? She's also doing something up at Yale. Did I mention that she was Ivy League educated? Purrrr....

Towards the end of the evening she was dancing to this Bollywood song. I remembered the song, because Katie had played it for me a last year and I had such a great time doing interpretive dance to it. So there I was smokin' le herb when I hear the song and I'm like: I gotta dance to this. But as I am about to bust a move I'm struck by hot, sexy, and beautiful she was dancing in her sleepy state. I'm sure she saw me giving myself a 'treat' atleast once.

I want her so badly.

Everybody here wants you, every body thinks he needs you.

Monday, April 12, 2004

Oh my god...Slut Out Sleep Over 2004...SoSo4...a macabre tale of a orgiastic lesbian slut fest on a rooftop in Brooklyn. The players...two buddies...a pair of AKAs Brooklynese stylee...and an anarchist from Wisconsin.
It all started with a glass of Jameson.

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

If there is one thing I have, it's passion. Oh blasted gainful employment. Capitalist cogs have tortured souls too. Dating is out of the question right now. Life as we know it started out with a concussive rupture of the zero hour, not with a fucking poot. Dating sucks. It's tepid so fuckin' tepid it makes me crazy. Really, the conversations are what drive me crazy the most.
I gotta get ready for work. I'll even have some bud for the evening...god what a paltry busted life. You're no Miller or Bukowski. It's time to start thinking rock star and doin' rock star.

Sunday, April 04, 2004

I can see why alot of writer's are drunks. It loosens shit up. I'm trying create this story called the Whisky diaries. A series of Vignettes about all the whiskeys I've been drunk on. There's old grand dad, jack daniels, maker's mark, heavan hill, cutty sark.....But old grand dad. that one was the best. Well the cutty sark story is pretty funny too.

Cutty Sark...

Hot boring ass Texas summer days can lead to all sorts of chicanery. One day me and my best friend drove to the mall with a pint of Cutty Sark. My best friend had gotten it in her head that getting drunk at the mall was the hippest thing we could possibly be involved in. We dumped the entire contents of the Cutty Sark pint into a Cinnabun large coca cola at Barton Creek Square Mall. We sat in the food court until we'd emptied that motherfuckin' cup. Then we went shopping for lingerie at Victoria's Secret. There was a sale.

After fingering all the pretty things, we left with a pair of maribou lined slip on bedtime heels, an "orinoco flow" type push up, and all the sexy %100 cotton panties two drunk 23 year olds could manage between us.

To be cont.

Bette is having an affair on the L word. It's kind of hot. As much as I disdain the realities of infidelity, there is a such a thrill to it all. It's erotic in the classical sense of the word.

Jesus when am I going to get laid? Everyone is getting some except me. Yes, yes... I know. If you do it anyway why don't you do it for love? I want to be in love and in a relationship that is informed by that love. That kind of thinking does not jive with casual sex. I'm over being a piece of ass. I want someone to dig me, be hot for, like me, engage know just a bunch of deep textured shit. I'm horny, I just can't bring myself to fuck to fuck's sake. That kind of sex is not what interests me. I need instant electricity followed by an ebullient display of personality coupled with deep resonating warm fuzzy feelings.

I'm beggining to realize that I am a bit much for the world. Unfortunately, I'm not so confident in myself all the time so my own personality is unwieldly and uncontrolled in my very corporeal being. Very fucked up. I apologize to the world. Then again, that is exactly what I need to stop doing. Fucking chattle. I am a brilliant singular expression in the universe. This may be my first and last chance to be tune...with EVERYTHING around me. I should let some unimaginative closed off fucks mess with that.

I miss my best friend.

Saturday, April 03, 2004

Blah seeking fucking blah. What's do I give a shit? For all the lust splattered on the interent precious little is genuine and real. Really it's all a bunch of posting up and icy countenences. Captialism is not about reality. I'ts about keeping up appearances. Either you are in or you are out Verushka. Which fucking bloody well is it?Hmm..the burning question. You were rich, but I was beautiful.
There is nothing like getting drunk on wine all by your lonesome to draw out the maudlin. I live for this shit. I fantasized about this shit when I was a kid. Getting drunk by myself with bottle of wine in NYC. Well it's happeing, but you aren't getting laid and you didn't factor that in. You like it, and you miss it now that the goddess sex play has not reared it's head in mother cunt months.

Here's the thing. I don't even register above luke warm. No body, mind, or soul is worth stepping out of myself for these days. I worry that I'm going to become a hermit motherfucker up here. My pussy is going to shrivel up and die. Cats and hardcore eccentrics will be my only friends. The future would seem a lot less stark if I got laid or had a passion. I keep pointing the finger at all these other people as being frigid. But maybe I'm the one. Maybe I'm frigid. Nah...I'm just looking for a little imagination on the other end. And can I just fucking's lacking. And damn my lesbian ass I have no interest in puting out for boys. THAT would atleast take the edge off.

I love blogging.

Wednesday, March 31, 2004

I'm going to buy some hottie a pair of shoes like that...or god willing that very pair above this text. Jesus Bulo shoes rock! I would feel no shame dropping $200++ dollars on something that exquisite.

ooh...look at these....

Water is the self, and the air a reality.

Friday, March 26, 2004

I love the human race. We document everything. Oh, an example?? How about the whale fart?

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

For the last few days I have been wracked with obsessive desire for a woman that will have to go un-named. She's beautiful, and her energy radiates out to me like a pulsar, or a heartbeat. Seriously, it's like a fever. I'll be delirious for days on end conjuring her before my eyes, and the fever will break and I'm back to being relatively normal.

It's a common story really in my life. She's seeing someone else and I am on the periphery of her existence. She's the first woman that's truly thrilled me since Jen. I'm still too sweet for this damned city.

Friday, March 19, 2004

Bring me the love of Tracy Camilla Johns. Or someone like her. I look around my apartment, know that I've got a long way to go. Not in the manner of things, but filling this place with myself. Right now I live in a few select places in this ginormous apartment. The dining table where my laptop sits, and the TV keeps me company. My kitchen, which is a constant and terrifying vacuum. I believe that's the vermin's favorite spot. The place just needs some fuckin' color.

The L word is full of shit. They are in LA and there's not one Mexican dyke. Fuck off racially myopic lesbitrons.

I'm going to a protest tomorrow. Bush you and your cronies are going down. Cocksucker.

Sunday, March 14, 2004

Gena Rowlands is not only an amazing actress, but also has this beauty in her face that's gut wrenching. She's the last of those great blondes from the 50's. I was blathering on some site about how I had a weakness for over ripe blondes, which is true but what it really comes down to is that I just like blondes. There just has to be an intangible. An edge. Hmmm...Gena Rowlands.

Mock Terror Drill? Jesus Christ.

Thursday, March 11, 2004

I fall into so many pairs of eyes in this city. Our entire love affair plays itself out in a matter of milliseconds. Three weeks is a lifetime, I suppose then. I know she's out there, but I'll leave her to her life. I wouldn't want people mistaking my haunted love with craziness.

I should hate her, she made the whore's move two years ago. Two years of my life gone. I felt like I was in a prison back in Texas, waiting to be back in the glorious New York Night. Now here I am, listless, broke, and wracked with nostalgia. So much for the glorious New York night.
I want to be a stay at home lesbian mom. It's decided. Now I just need to find a willing participant in the dream. We could live in Brazil or the South of France. Talk about flipping shit on its ear.

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

I forgot what I was going to talk about. I quit my job at Neighborhoodies. It was time. Goddamn the circus. Last week was a doozy, but it was thrilling. Fire and rain. So I'm going to go see the Dave Chappelle show on Saturday. Hopefully, it will be funny and I don't go by myself. If I go, it'll probably be by myself. That's a compromise of possibility. Happiness measured. Oh I remember.

When I say that there is lust in my heart, I mean that when I look at this woman I want to consume her. Since I've never known her in the carnal sense, I can only eat her up with my eyes. And the one time I could touch her I grabbed her like my life depended on it. The intensity of my lustful curiosity freaked her out. She's just so beautiful and fierce. Surely, she can't be a creature from this realm.

Sunday, February 29, 2004

jesus fucking christ! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I am so sick of being broke. I'm sick of 2 faced bitches....Can we do a little better than that, Ve??
jesus fucking christ! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I am so sick of being broke. I'm sick of 2 faced bitches....Can we do a little better than that, Ve??

Saturday, February 28, 2004

So I just got propositioned over the internet just now. This guy wanted to be my servant. I get to butt rape him and everything. I'm thinkin' about it. I'm suppose to call him back at 11pm. I'm definately gonna call. This is too weird to be anything but the truth. We'll see how far it goes. While I'm feeling optimistic about the near future the very present present is freaking me the fuck out.
Present freaky ness is excluded...

Friday, February 27, 2004

GOD THERE IS LUST IN MY HEART. Maybe it took a coupla shots of whiskeyes to make it happen, but there is lust in my heart. There are 28 yo and 25 yo old hotties that have so kept my atttention that I'll revistit casual sex. my god, what is it about me that keeps me from that experience? I think you two are visions of butch and femme perfection. Independent of my desire, I think both these people are spectacular. I want nothing more than to taste your flesh. just a taste. And frankly, if they had any two bits about them they would deduce that they.... it was their very persons that I desired. One day i'll make me a world.

Thursday, February 26, 2004

Yeah, welcome back Verushka. When are you people going to find me interesting? Like what are these other people talking about? You mean to tell me that 2. something billion people are more interesting than me?Ok, I don't doubt that but lord knows they probably don't have internet access . Hmmmm... whisky shots....whiskey shots are what do you in. You could head butt a cop on this shit. I'm losing at scrabble. YOU INSUFFERABLE NEW YORKERS GIVE ME A GIG~!!

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

Here's something I've been chewing on for a while. I am not necessarily a fan of the Howard Dean constituency. I think they are all a bunch of do goodin' yippies. Really there's just no bon vivant in them. Besides, Dean isn't talking real change. He just wants his turn in the high chair like the rest of them. I guess I'm saying is that I dont buy into the system because it's got no soul. No life. It's the fucking borg. A real leader in my opinion would be like fuck the high chair, I'm takin' it to the streets.

I told my best friend two years ago I was going to vote for Al Sharpton if he ran. That's how galled I am by the whole election process. I'll vote for a brother that's got a process himself. I feel like the world is closing in on itself sometimes in a good way, and sometimes in a bad way. This time it's not the acid that's talkin'. Think about it, the world as we know it is at a point in history where people can envision the operatic apocalyptic end to Earth as we know it. With advent of nuclear warfare and the proliferation of collasal conventional weaponry, every time someone's got beef the big blue marble could blown to smithereens. And then heap all of the sneaky shit these cabals of power, influence, and fascism have been up to since the turn of the last century and it's no wonder me and alot of other people are over the system.

I get the sense that the human race is on the cusp an evolutionary step. I sense this because I am human and immersed my conscious into the bigger being that is this planet with the help of some of her plants. Yeah I'm a moony. But listen, you can feel the change coming. I'm serious.

Dude, I lost my pipe at this Valentine's Day Party. I'm such a bullshit artist sometimes. There was a sexy German girl at the party, too bad my lameass friend pulled femmy cockblocking crap. She was totally acting like a fucking girl friend. I can not tell you how that enraged me. She was so gross and cloying.
I told her ages ago I'm not interested in sex or a relationship. You know what else? She presumed that she was someone special in my life, as fucking if! We were cool before all this, but saturday night was a real turn off.

Ok, so I'm addicted to friendster. Talk about a toy for the vain.

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

The L Word. My life on the mini-screen. My b-movie. I really need to be thinking of this in terms of precedents, because I am so gonna do the forbiden love thing lesbian style. My dream is to write and direct a Zalman King esque mini series on a cable channel about two unholy inter-racial lesbian lovers squirrelled away on a planation in Cuba. Ooh...the implications.

The L Word is a precedent to be sure. But does anybody on that show have a set of knockers or what!? And this straight chick...the make-up is whack. The acting is disgusting and lacking. She is doing a piss poor job of representing that first heat. But then again isn't she suppose to be a dumb bitch? The soundtrack is too sexy for her, and I'm too sexy for this show. And yet...and yet I've already made a secret vow to run more and hone my cosmopolitan charm.

Where Go Fish was proto but informative and ballsy, the L word is pretty, vapid and pleasantly laughable because in the lesbian sphere of reality all of those narratives are taking place at any given time. However, in the real world those cliques are so insipid and the physical beauty so thin and brittle. Live in any dyke mecca long enough and all of those stories will come to pass in either your life or someone you know. I tell you what, even though I bitch about those scenes, some of those stories would make for great movies. The writers for this show are bullshit artists and not listening to the token lesbian enough. Don't get me started on the watered down POC tip. Bull shit artists one and all.

Jesus, why don't people cast for chemistry?

Thursday, January 29, 2004

Sometimes I just scream at the TV, "Give it a rest already!". The mute button is my friend. I've been feeling very simple minded lately. I wonder why. Talk about sittin' in shit. I'm down in it. Gotta re-up. Re-focus. Really I want to be a bitch when I need to be. For that formula to work, I need to be bitchy more often than not. I'm not comfortable with collateral damage.

Somewhere in my recent past I can be quoted as saying, "I'm looking forward to the change in season." What a crock of shite. Snow is the most suck ass shit to walk thru. When I'm bankin', I will spend at least a weekend somewhere warm. But most importantly somewhere free of snow.

I don't know if I like the snowboarding set.

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

Dude, it's the Matrix. Are you people watching the State of the Union?! This bone headed, inarticulate, war mongering cocksucker has got the unmitigated gall to tell the nation that things are getting better. Fuck him and fuck this system. I don't want your fucking 100 year war. I don't want your fear. I don't want your colonization.

Bush must go. Cheney must. Rice must. And especially that motherfucker with conk Collin Powell. Don't ever trust a brother that chemically alters his hair and then wants to call himself a credit to the race.

Damnit I don't want to live in a fascist state!

Saturday, January 17, 2004

Another late night of porn, pot, and paranoia.

So I'm surfing the personals. The third pic into the grand tour was that of this sexy redhead. Well not so sexy any more since I have literally seen this woman evolve into a dot com love slut of some sort. For instance, her early pics were totally Buffy the corporate copywriter, then there was an ish (amorphus fashion) period, and now she's like a total writer/editor dyke hottie...Ok so maybe it's weird that I can even comment on this woman's development. But atleast I'm a relatively anonymous person on these things. Since we're talking a total virtual world here, she's the damn town bicycle. Well not really I'm just sexually frustrated. To her credit she does seem like a cool woman. I'd tell her as much if I ever saw her at the club. Yes, i know more stalker shit. But fuck that. All it means is that I pay attention to people.

My friend Steph is leaving back for Austin tomorrow. I'm so glad I got to see her and reaffirm our friendship. She is so happy and confident these days. I on the other hand, have been a total wreck with my typical freakish flourishes. I'm not leaving the house much, the apt is a wreck, and that's it. It's because I hate my job I suspect. Like that place can fucking blow me. As if I need these wretched banal assholes having me by the short and curlies. Christ, I'm the Black Gold of the Sun. Fuck them. I need to own that shit. Get comfortable with the idea of tearing people a new asshole the minute you fucking feel like doing it.

T-bo...fucking puny scab that he is, totally told me that he was comfortable with a loss of personal freedoms for increased security...

I went to this dyke party last night with Steph and Margarita. The party was like the a-list older dyke scene in austin. All white women of some sort, mostly priveleged, and frigid. The chick who invited was cool tho. Lynne may just end up a 'party friend' but that's cool everyone needs people like that in one's life. When it's time for amazing people to come into your life they will.

I'm really coming to love my neighborhood, and today Stephanie got to see a part of that. We rode the dollar van together. She was totally suspicious and leary of this endeavor. I tried to reassure in my verbose way that we're fine. The ride may be totally death defying but we'll be where we need to be toot sweet. Needless to say, we almost collided with a bus a couple of times. Anyway, when I was looking out that window and saw all the hustle and bustle we were flying past, I realized that I was that much more closer to seeing NYC as home. I've made my choice about where and how I want to live my life. Now I'm seeing and facing the implications. Basically, I realized I'm grown and shit in my life has majorly changed again. But this time the fear is manageable. It's the occasional despair that freaks me the fuck out.

Shannon was one of those people. I hope she comes back to NYC like she said she would.

Monday, January 12, 2004

How exactly does a tear of love fall? Personally, I think it falls like your girl's hair across your pillow. Christ this city makes me horny. That was definately something I noticed upon my return to the city. My sex drive went up exponentially. I can't even really tell you why. It's a cadre of things really. Memories, fantasies, colors, smells, eye me some eye contact in this city. Well, when it's with a woman. Sometimes the dudes are pretty fun too. Who knew the editrix from Honey mag was a high yellow catdog. Catdog is my affectionate term for bi racial people. It all started with my nephews. When they were just babies, we'd sit me, Jericho, and Aidan and watch cartoons. Spongebob, Rocko's Modern Life, Rugrats, and Catdog. Catdog was the story of an animal that was half dog and half cat. Jericho and Aidan are half Black Panamanian and Half Polish American. I started calling them catdogs, they always giggled, and that was that. It really doesn't get any deeper or racially charged than that. Black, White. Cat, Dog. Basic SAT shit.

Jesus how did I go from horny to this racial apologetics crap. Everybody knows that Verushka wants to taste the rainbow. I should make a shirt that says I heart Miscegenation. Now that's comedy.

Andre 3000 is my idol. Ok, Outkast as a creative entity is also my idol.

Damn. Where are my panties?